Written by Chuck Terzella
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Sunday, 7 November 2004

image for George W. Bush Made Me a Fundamentalist Christian
I'm Going To Heaven Baby, Oh Boy.

Well, the elections are over and I've been thinking: 51% of the voting public must be onto something that I've been missing. All this time I'm thinking that illegal and unnecessary wars, negative job growth, tens of millions without health insurance and massive National Debt were bad things. I didn't know how wrong I was.

I figured that recruiting the head of an energy company who was so corrupt that he bilked the state of California alone out of billions of dollars to help decide the energy policy that would impact the very state he was robbing is a blatant abuse of the trust of the American People. Don't get me wrong; it is a blatant abuse, but now I'm wondering if there's really anything wrong with it. After all, the people who committed these acts of governmental mayhem were Fundamentalist Christians and Fundamentalist Christians are Gods Chosen so all this stuff must be okay.

Gods Chosen seem to be able to side step truth, law and just plain ignore the welfare millions and still get to Heaven while as a Liberal Democrat I've been laboring under the burden that these things were problems that had to be solved, not to mention that even if I could solve these problems I'm gonna burn in Hell anyway. An illegal war that kills thousands was a violation of human rights...that Americans who can't afford to go to the doctors office is a tragedy...discrimination is against the law and had to be stopped...the rape of the environment is a terrible thing and has to be corrected...it was horrible. Why go through all that angst and guilt and still be condemned to the Fire when I can become a Christian and not worry about any of it? All's ya gotta do is read your Bible.

There's a certain charming moral flexibility that allows Fundamentalists to abhor the taking of a life that hasn't begun but has no problem backing a President whose policies have resulted in the killings of 100,000 Iraqi's, a great many of them innocent civilians, women and children, as long as it's done in the name of God and Freedom.

Fundamentalists can profess to care about others and still support a man who sends millions of good paying jobs overseas. They can ignore Healthcare Reform while forty three million Americans, quite probably some of them Fundamentalists themselves live every day without any at all, three million more than when their candidate took office. They can respect the sanctity of life so much that they will ban the use of stem cells to cure deadly illnesses.

You can profess to love your fellow man, taking in comfort in the fact that God shall surely be sending billions of Unsaved Souls to Eternal Damnation and Hellfire no matter how kind, peaceful and loving they may be, because we're the Saved Ones, baby. And since the vast majority of the peoples of the world are Unsaved, then Heaven has got to be a roomy place, you know, comfortable for me and all my Christian Brothers and Sisters. (On the other hand, I've been talked to by those shining young men and women before and fifteen minutes with them can seem like an eternity...can you imagine what an eternity would feel like? This may become a real downside to this thing. I'll work on it and get back to you.)

So, what's my point in all of this? That aside from the hanging around with other Fundamentalists thing being a Christian is pretty cool. So, as soon as I can scrape up some tithe money for the ante, I'm in the game. Four more years!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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