Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Topics: Tiger Woods

Thursday, 18 February 2010

(Hollywood-CA) Tiger Woods' agent, Mark Steinberg, confirmed today that Tiger Woods' press conference, to be held Friday, would be at the Playboy Mansion. This latest move has both gossip columnists and sports writers scratching their collective heads.

The conference, which marks the golfer's first public statement in three months since his sex scandal, was originally to be held at The Professional Golfers Association's headquarters at Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida.

The change of venue, however, will not change the format. The event will not be a news conference. Questions will be limited, with a select group of reporters present while others will watch from a nearby conference center on a televised feed. "Everything will be the same, said Steinberg, "except for the Playboy girls. Still, it will be tasteful. They will be wearing formal attire, black business suits body painted on."

When asked why the venue was changed, Steinberg was direct. "What better way to prove Tiger has overcome his sexual addiction than by surrounding him with these women? I know there are some who will scoff at that saying, 'That's not a temptation. He slept with most of them anyway.' True, but because an addict used his drug of choice once, will he not use it again?"

While Steinberg would not reveal the exact content of Woods' five-minute statement, the agent did say it would not dodge the tough issues. "The question on everyone's mind will be answered. I won't tell you how. But, spoiler alert, Tiger was not drunk when he crashed his SUV. Kids drink responsibly."

Steinberg also stressed that though the famous golfer has made a grave error in judgment a perspective must be maintained. "Tiger knows he let down his wife, his family and his fans. Yes, he slept with women. But if you consider the entire population of women in the world compared with those Tiger slept with, it's zero. This man has slept with no women, and he's being accused of being unfaithful."

Both Woods and Steinberg may have their hands full, however. One online magazine claims to have obtained a copy of the five-minute statement from former adult dancer Taff E. Luchess, who was Woods' Playboy mansion coordinator.

Luchess said that Woods asked her to review the statement. According to Luchess, Woods had no cash with him at the time and wanted to compensate Luchess for her work. The two then had sex. Luchess claims, "He told me that it's not sex, because it's for an exchange of services, a business transaction."

Steinberg was asked about this. "I'm not even going to dignify it with a response. The statement stands on its own. And for those who doubt it, Tiger can produce the receipt."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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