Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 18 February 2010

image for Palin Bags Limbaugh and Beck, Gains Respect Among Moderates
Palin, About to take the American stage a second time.

Who would of thunk it. A self proclaimed "maverick" who polled well in the last election among women with illegitimate grandchildren and republican moderates under 50 or Gay, has successfully distanced herself from the insane media right. After a week of comments and interviews, Sarah Palin seems to be representing her constituency well, by speaking out against the fanatics and extremists we garner in our own country. Namely those of Limbaugh and Beck ilk.

Her recent efforts seem to be well organized, almost as if she were planning to run for the top governmental spot in three years. Step one might be to find a way to bring moderates together from both sides of the aisle. Step two would be to announce a plan of attack for the presidency in 2013.

Palin's chief strategist, Betty Duzzent says, "We can't spill too many beans at this point, but let's just say that Sarah's working on an approach to bring this country together". Insiders to the Palin camp suggest, "If you're a fat, balding, loud mouthed, cigar smoking blow hard, you are probably not going to vote for Sarah".

I have has acquired a copy of her proposed platform for campaign year 2012, which includes the following stump:

  • Hockey and Soccer Moms will receive new government funded mini vans
  • Deadbeat dads will receive 20 years in jail
  • Foreign policy will only extend to countries that can be seen from my telescope
  • We should probably look into this global warming thing
  • Taxes are too high, but so is the deficit, we're not sure what to do there
  • Tampons and all other feminine hygiene products will be fully tax deductable
  • Health care; Yes I already have some..
  • Medicare; They're already old. Can't we just send them a bottle of aspirin?
  • Pregnancy. Medical advances are needed to force men to carry 40 pounds around for 9 months, with all the back pain, sweats, midnight kicking, leaky nipples, ugly clothes, and bipolar emotional shifts, and then maybe they might understand why dinner isn't waiting for them the minute they walk in the freaking door. But I'm not bitter. (OK, we might be scaring people with this one. Perhaps we soften the language here.)

Palin's "Moderate Tour" will continue through the midwest where she can get her fill of fresh pork and cow excrement.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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