Cleveland, Ohio: The Republican Party announced that its "Don't Get Out The Vote" campaign is being met with widespread success in key battleground states, including Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida.
GOP spokesman, Dick Hertz, remarked, "In Ohio, for example, our teenage volunteers have been very successful in persuading elderly voters to stay home. Remember, this is for their own good. After all, they might fall down and break their hips and pay more for medical costs because of trial lawyers like John Kerry and John Edwards."
When asked if reports indicating that some teenage GOP "volunteers" have reportedly slashed the tires of cars owned by the elderly, beat them with their own canes, robbed their purses, and stole batteries from their hearing aids and pacemakers, Hertz responded, "Well, some of these elderly folks have actually become abusive. They don't understand that we're only trying to keep them safely at home. After all, if they go out, they might get the flu and die because lawyers like John Kerry and John Edwards have raised litigation costs for good patriotic American pharmaceutical companies."
Hertz also denied reports from Pennsylvania that Republican volunteers allegedly fed thousands of Democratic ballots into a wood chipper. "That's simply not true. Our campaign workers were simply trying to clean up a vacant lot. We had no idea those garbage bags contained registration forms." In an indignant tone, Hertz added, "We were simply trying to improve the environment unlike trial lawyers like John Kerry and John Edwards who work against the environment by blocking clean fuel technologies like nuclear and coal."
The GOP spokesman also commented on reports of federal immigration agents arresting minorities waiting to vote in heavily Democratic Dade County, Florida.
"These officers are only doing their patriotic duty. These people might be criminals or terrorists. They might be trying to influence our electoral process and throw our government into chaos. And I'm sure that's what trial lawyers like John Kerry and John Edwards would like!"
In other election news, John Kerry also denied reports that he frequently beats both his wife and his dog, takes candy from small children, and sucks the lifeblood from virgins.