Atlanta, GA - Ted Turner announced today that the all-important Presidential Cage Match will be broadcast exclusively on cable network TNT's immensely-popular "Friday Night Heat." Next week's broadcast will be live and feature a tag-team cage match between Bush/Cheney and Kerry/Edwards as the main event.
Both camps are vyying for the all-important "Smack-down Dads" vote in the upcoming election, doing all they can to secure the rowdy, largely uneducated demographic.
Turner revealed that the event will be held on the Guantanamo Naval Base's Al Queda operative detention facility.
"I picked Gitmo because they already have a cage there to hold all them detainees" he said, referring to the enemy combatants currently being held and tortured against their will by the US military at the behest of Donald Rumsfeld's Defense Department.
"I have no doubt in my mind that we will prevail. Prepare for me and Dick's 'shock and awe'!" yelled an overacting President Bush (stage name: Duyba the Destroyer) directly into the camera during a prefight interview with legendary interviewer and provocateur "Rowdy Roddy" Piper.
You're goin' down Edwards. Can you feel the pain? Huh? Can ya'?" screamed Cheney (stage name: VP - Very Painful) in a get-up consisting of a red white and blue speedo and red satin cape.
John Kerry and John Edwards, both in star-spangled leather masks, returned a charged tirade of their own. During "Equal Time with Hulk Hogan" the two announced that they will perform under the moniker "Democrats of Doom."
"You don't scare us Dubya" belted Kerry (stage name: "Ketchup-Red Menace") while Edwards flexed his muscles in the background. "I'll 'flip-flop' you right outta the ring!"
"Take a look at these pythons Cheney! I call this one "pain" and this one "suffering," mocked Edwards (stage name: "Pretty Boy") as he kissed his flexed biceps.
Co-celebrity referee Randy "Macho Man" Savage (of Slim Jim commercial fame) outlined the "Rules of enCagement." Figure-Four Leg-locks will be allowed but the notorious "Sleeper Hold" will not. Any candidate who violates the No Sleeper Hold rule will be beaten with folding chairs for a time not to exceed 90 seconds. Candidates must be in the ring for two minutes before being allowed to tag their partners. Each team will be allowed alternating 30 second Smack-downs after each round.
Co-celebrity referee The Rock (of bad acting B-movie fame) added that candidates must pin their opponents for a count of three before being declared the winner. An official pin is defined as holding the opponent's shoulder blades (or at least appear to hold them) on the canvas for the count. Extra points will be awarded for exaggerated grimaces of intense pain and pleas for mercy displayed during holds and moves by attacking opponents.
The event airs next Friday on cable channel TNT. Check local listings for air times.