Written by Select Distinct
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Monday, 18 October 2004

image for Undecided Voters Rapidly Shrinking
Voters Swing Elfward, is Pollution to Blame?

Pollsters have been forced to take a second look at recent data showing a decline in the number of likely voters. It is now known that many undecided voters in key swing states are suffering from an extreme form of dwarfism. The finding explains recent results showing lower response rates in polls targeting key "battleground" or "swing" states. That fact was previously understood to indicate fatigue caused by the relentless polling, but now it is believed that voters have grown unable to reach their telephones, and are averse to the deafening effects of the big phone receiver speakers on their tiny little ears. "Their phones are placed high on walls or on unreachable tables," said voting expert John Heyhey.

Though the causes and mechanisms of the shrinking are poorly understood, some believe the cause to be emissions from motor vehicles, which tripled in the month of September according to some estimates. "Our coordinated voter outreach road trips have been successful and in Ohio alone we have registered over 1,000,000 new voters." said Ellen R. Malcolm, president of America Coming Together. The leading theory, admittedly not a very good one, is that genes regulating growth are being modified by carcinogens. The stress of being constantly harassed by polling agencies is causing the mutated cells to regenerate themselves, and when they regenerate it is done according to layout of the freshly altered DNA.

Voters suffering from the toxic dwarfism are shrinking until they reach a height of about one sixth of their original height, though they preserve their body's relative dimensions. The effect is that they become tiny little people.

The size of this fickle base of voters has raised new concerns among voter fraud watchdog organizations. Bev Harris of the blog BlackBoxVoting.org commented on the matter, "As if it weren't enough that our major voting machine supplier has a significant conflict of interest, and that the machinery leaves no hard evidence of our votes. Now we must also be concerned with hoards of tiny voters who would scurry up the legs of traditionally sized voters, voting as they wish and as many times as they like." Though the small set of small voters have not decided for whom they will vote, they will vote, and who they do vote for in the end is considered crucial in deterring the outcome of the elections.

Despite the importance of these voters, many find it hard to believe. "I have never felt so small," said Florida voter Pat Piccolo, "I used to feel ten feet tall. Now I'm not sure I can handle the pressure to vote. Or even the lever on the voting machine."

In the end this epidemic could benefit Democrats more than Republicans, some analysts say. But whatever the outcome, Republicans will care (for at least a month) about the "little guy" (and gal) as much as Democrats and other liberal parties historically have. These voters are small but important in swaying the election results, and ultimately deciding who lives in the White House. Some disagree and say the candidates should focus on energizing their respective bases. In the case of pro-Bush Republicans, this could translate into a call to go out and step on tiny people wherever they may be. Democratic candidate John Kerry has moved to bring most of the remaining votes his way by including the tiny people in his strategy to check containers and police the borders after he is elected.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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