THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY (EPA) said today that it will modify its complete ban on beer that was formally proposed on Monday. The EPA now says that beer will only be banned at "outdoor events, where deadly CO2 gases would be released directly into the atmosphere."
Consumer groups, brewers and pub owners began a telephone and media campaign following the earlier EPA ban on all beer sales. Reached mostly in bars after legislative sessions, every member of the House and Senate that we spoke to was against the ban. "We know we upset a lot of folks," said David Slade, EPA spokesman responsible for offensive gas emissions, "including the President who likes a beer now and again, but we are just trying to protect the environment."
"The new modified ban," added Slade, "will mostly affect NASCAR, football and soccer, and these are not strong voting constituencies or favored sports for the President."
Consumer groups and brewers are now threatening legal action. Not surprisingly, however, pub owners have backed off their threats saying that this new ban should dramatically improve their business, and further that brewers are just "greedy corporate thugs."
Legal action by affected groups could slow the pace of other planned EPA actions. "We are looking for ways to ban or dramatically limit cow farting," said Slade, "but proposals now on the table are being reviewed by our friends at PETA who maintain that cows have an inalienable right to stink."