NEW YORK -- For CBS News president Andrew Heyward, the past few hours have been all too familiar. No sooner had he walked off the elevator after his lunch, he was bombarded by a group of junior executives informing him of the organization publishing yet another allegedly unauthentic document ........................this time the weekly lunch menu at the CBS cafeteria.
According to a highly placed source in the dessert department, the menu contains multiple inaccuracies with regard to the entrees and side dishes that will be served during the current week. "It said we were going to have meatloaf and green Jell-O with pears today. We had tuna casserole and sliced bananas for crying out loud," said a visibly shaken CBS employee who requested anonymity. "Tomorrow they've promised us lasagna and seven-layer salad. I'm not holding out much hope, though."
When asked about the alleged discrepancies, Marge Graventhal, head of food service for CBS, indicated that the menu she approved was accurate, right down to the pears in the Jell-O. "This simply is not an authentic menu. Not only have we never used that typeface before, we don't even have it on this floor. Somebody didn't check this document thoroughly before they sent it for publication."
Bill O'Reilly, host of the FOX network's popular show, The O'Reilly Factor', and a former CBS reporter, himself, was quick to comment that this was yet another blow to CBS' credibility and further evidence of the organization's left-wing, biased agenda. "Tuna casserole and sliced bananas are clearly liberal menu items. At FOX, we serve a blue meal, a red meal, and a green meal-and let our employees decide."
Near the end of the day, Mr. Heyward issued a company-wide memo promising a full and independent investigation of the incident, including published findings at the next company meeting. "I realize that every CBS employee places their trust in us to publish an accurate, and more importantly, fully authenticated menu for the week so they can determine when to eat in the cafeteria and when to brown bag it," he wrote.
In the meantime, the current week's menu is being reprinted and redistributed to all employees under the guard of more than fifty rent-a-cops armed with Cheese Whiz and mega phones. "Hopefully the steps they're taking will prevent this from happening again," commented Graventhal. "A couple people have commented to me that they saw Mr. Rather hanging around the print shop where the menu is produced. Who knows."