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Saturday, 2 October 2004

image for Michael Moore In Concert
Moore's Washington concert will be held in this theatre.

American polemicist Michael Moore enthralled his large following, members of Fatties Anonymous, with a superb performance at London's Royal Albert Hall. He entered to a standing ovation, either that or his weight pushed the stage down and tilted the seats upwards, forcing people to stand up or slide down towards the stage, and left to a chorus of boom chaka laka.

Upon inquiring after the origin of this term, people living in South London advised him that members of a regiment made up of people living in this area, had served in Kenya during the 1950s. Whenever they walked through a cow field tribesmen would warn them not to step in the boom chaka laka....but I digress.

Moore began the evening with his very haunting rendition of 'La Donna Hamstring', which had started out as Cat Stephen's "Moonshadow" but deteriorated when he tried to slide accross the stage.

The audience were then treated to Moore receiving medical assistence onstage. One observer described Moore's being helped back to his dressingroom, as the closest that you can get to watching a beached whale being returned to the water, while still in a theatre.

15 minutes later our intrepid performer returned undaunted and unbowed...when I say unbowed he did have a huge bandage strapped outside his pants leg and tied in a bow. Small price to pay for a talent of this calibre...of course when I say calibre ....I'll leave it there...

He then began reading from Pegiun's latest publication : "The Ultimate Robert Mugabe Poetry Collection and Removing Wine Stains From Your Carpet".

* Those of you who intend purchasing this book are warned that the section on carpet cleaning and the poetry have not been clearly defined.

One poem in particular stood out. It was written by the Zimbabwean dictator during a period of great drought and suffering, namely after he diverted the main Harare water supply to his farm. Moore's ability to hold an audience captive never better than during his reading of the following :

HARRODS by Robert Mugabe

Lampshades
Curtains
Bookshelves
Toothpaste
Carpet cleaner
Liquorice assorted
Chocolate (Not Swiss)
Toilet paper.
Don't forget to check up on a visa for Raymond.


Some unkind hacks have suggested that this was not written by Mugabe but his wife. Moore, with his deep love of great contemporary works, rejected that as typical jealousy found among modern writers.

"What is Mugabe saying to us here?" he thundered. "Is it not that stupid white men are incapable of visiting a place of beauty, like a Harrods, and appreciating it's fine offerings without seeking to list but a few of the items?"

The curator of the British Museum ventured an opinion which unfortunately cannot be reproduced here. Suffice it to say that he offered to adjust Moore's leg bandage and tie it round his neck.

Moore then moved into the highlight of the evening. It was a discussion of the new revolutionary Shaved Guava. Guava is better known to most, as John Pilger but changed his name to reflect the new light burning in his heart. Members of certain right wing groups have promised "a burning at the stake, if Guava should ever pop into town".

Moore submitted Guava's theory on the fall of communism and the rise of globalisation : "The fall of communism was not down to Reagen or any other western leader. It was occasioned by the need to try out new methods, grow as a people and embrace other countries. Globalisation on the other hand is America's attempt to take over the world".

Members of the audience were extremely moved and some even took handfuls of the Guava pamphlet. They pronounced it thoroughly absorpant and it couldn't have come at a better time..what with the theatre running out of toilet paper towards the end. Some offered to help Moore with his bandage ...but I digress.

The Moore Concert moves to America this week when they go deep south. 250 000 tickets have already been sold as concert organiser Jeb Shaw confirmed it would be held outdoors. He felt that the flames might cause damage to the theatre if they gave "the offering" indoors.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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