It's Homer Simpson's worst nightmare in the ever popular, long running TV cartoon series - being abducted and 'probed' by Alien invaders. And it became a horrific reality for local man, Martin Shuttlecock, just last night.
It was a normal evening in the Shuttlecock household, with Martin watching News At Ten on TV before preparing a mug of hot chocolate and joining his wife in bed. He got himself comfortable, and started to read a book, 'Alien Abductions And Intrusive Anal Probing' by Darth Vendor, before finishing his hot chocolate, switching the bedside lamp off, kissing his wife goodnight and settling down for a restful night's sleep.
Which, tragically, would never happen.
As he drifted off into the land of nod, Shuttlecock was disturbed by a translucent green light and a peculiar throbbing sound. The horrified homeowner jerked bolt upright in bed, only to be confronted by a strange metallic serpent-like tube with a light on the end. Before the stunned victim could react, he was enveloped in a force field and dragged out of the bedroom window, before being whisked up to a flying saucer.
Martin Shuttlecock takes up the story:
"I found myself in an operating theatre, tended by two aliens. One had a moustache, and the other was wearing a Bon Jovi tee-shirt. They took blood samples, saliva samples, then they got this big thing, like a metal caveman's club and shoved it up my jacksy. The pain was so bad that I passed out. When I came to I was back in my own bed and it was morning."
"Was your behind sore?" we asked. "Was there any bleeding?"
"No," he told us. "I suspect that the aliens used anaesthetic and a clotting agent."
"Ignore him," Anne Shuttlecock told us. "He was dreaming. He dreamt the whole thing. There were no bloody aliens. I've told him before not to read books about Aliens and anal probing at bedtime. The daft sod."
"How do you explain this then?" Shuttlecock exclaimed, holding out a tube of something or other in his outstretched hand.
Upon closer examination we concluded that the tube contained a popular haemorrhoid cream, and had its origins in Boots the chemist.
More unfounded alien abduction fantasies as we get them.