Written by Philip Moon
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Topics: Afghanistan

Sunday, 3 January 2010

image for "Operation Send in the Clowns" aims to win hearts, scare crap out of Afghans
Send in the clowns!

Kabul, Afghanistan - US Military Forces have announced a new phase of the surge strategy in Afghanistan, code named "Send in the Clowns". Under this strategy the US will send the 32nd Clown Expeditionary Force into the country to win the hearts of Afghan civilians while scaring the crap out of terrorists with known fears of clowns.

"Intelligence gathered has shown that many of the Taliban loyal to Mohammed Omar are creeped out by clowns. In fact, Omar's strong Anti-Americanism and fundamentalist Islamic beliefs stem from fearing clowns as a child, which gave him hate of all frivolous fun," said General Buttons B. Shenanigans, commander of the 32nd.

As helicopters descended hundreds of pairs of large, floppy shoes touched the ground. Clowns started running around in a state of disorder, as several supply containers were opened to find a pie projectile or else a streams of seltzer. Several clowns found themselves attempting to assemble, marching behind their shaky unit commanders on unicycles.

"This is all a strategy," said military historian Drew Callandar, "While we see what appears to be comically incompetent clowns, these special forces are actually coordinating a diversion that hides where their weapons are hidden and what their intentions are. If the enemy is reconnoitering them, they'll be too busy laughing to know what the clowns are up to."

While these military clowns appear to be all fun and games, the work they do is as risky and deadly as any other. Just the other day while doing recon in a small village a convoy found themselves under attack. A roadside bomb detonated, blowing up one of their Clown Cars, costing the lives of sixteen clowns, the most in a single car incident in the entire Afghan War.

"Some people back home and even in the military don't see this unit for what it's worth. We bleed the same as any solider, we fight to win these people's trust and when we suffer PTSD it's hidden under a smile. I've seen terrible things, but the mission requires I keep a smile and not be a sad clown," said Sergeant Tum-Tum Jiggly-Gut, as he sprayed seltzer down his camouflage clown pants.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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