Written by Fuzzy Duffy
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Flying, Airport, X-Ray

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

image for Medical Breakthrough! Airport Full Body Scans Have Effect "Similar to Viagra."

Washington, DC (BNSE): Officials gathered today to announce what they call, "A stunning medical breakthrough." Agencies, tasked with the safety of the United States mainland and passenger air travel, claimed that despite having little or no budget for medical or health care research.

"[They] have managed to find valuable secondary benefits to new security surveillance policies and procedures that not only make it safer to fly, but provide hope for those suffering from one of the agencies' fastest growing medical conditions... male impotence."

A high ranking official said, "The discovery was made purely by chance over the past few days as we have stepped up the use of full body scanning of airline passengers in the wake of the Christmas Day attempted terror attack on a passenger jet traveling from Denmark to Detroit. Airport screeners have been reporting Viagra-like effects after watching these security scans, particularly when they involve the observation of attractive young women, for several months. However, it is only after the past few days that we can confirm this medical breakthrough exists."

Full body scans, the controversial technology that allows airport screeners to "see through the clothes" of boarding airline passengers, has been hailed as one of the strongest weapons in the keeping our skies safe. However, civil libertarians have criticised the practice, calling it "a callous invasion of privacy." Agency officials pushed these concerns aside in light of the new medical science which "definitively shows male employees showing signs of increased sexual arousal nearly 100% of the time while using these technologies."

"Some young women may be concerned about total strangers staring at their naked, soft... supple... perky bodies. But isn't that a small price to pay for giving a poor man his first erection in what might be months, or even years? True, we are staring intently at their breasts, buttocks, and other mysterious feminine regions, but we feel strongly that most women will conceded this is a small price to not only be safe, but give our hard working security staff improved confidence and self esteem."

A video documenting this Viagra-like effect under controlled conditions was released over the weekend. The video showed several employees in a darkened security booth, retrofitted with rolls of paper towels and bottles of hand creme marked "For Emergency Use Only," observing full body scans from a number of randomly chosen travellers. Evidence of arousal was evident in all the employees present, including various vocal outbursts of, "Oh, yeah! That's it," "Come on, baby lift those arms... Oh yeah," "It's OK to act pouty... Come one act pouty for daddy," and "Come on honey, I know it's cold... Shake it! Shake it!!!"

The video also showed the full body scans improving screener morale and productivity. After hours of nonstop surveillance, several screeners left their posts for lunch, only to return to their work stations moments later boisterously cheering at the screens after one of their co-workers shouted, "Shaved! Shaved! Shaved!."

Officials cautioned that despite these early successes, more research and funding are necessary in the future. While the arousal effect on men viewing young women is thoroughly documented, "We are just scratching the surface in this field of study, particularly in the cases of observing teenage girls, and even, in some cases, young boys," stated the official.

Make Fuzzy Duffy's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 multiplied by 2?

6 7 23 4

Go to top ^