Written by Philip Moon
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Saturday, 26 December 2009

image for Redneck TV Station to Keep Holiday Lights Contest Going All Year
Throwing out the Christmas Tree is Wasteful Too

LouArkanissippi- WKKK Channel 15, a local Fox affiliate in this sleepy Southern region of the United States, has decided to make a change to it's decade long Christmas "Lights of LouArkanissippi" contest and keep it going on all year. Station manager Al Dixie said the move would better reflect the local culture.

"Round here, from Thanksgiving to Christmas we'd give out prizes, such as an autographed Alvin and the Chipmunks CD to the people with the prettiest lights outside their house or mobile home. But here Christmas lights usually stay up all year, and we wanted to reflect that," Dixie said.

Christmas lighting expert and otherwise unemployed electrician Dale Scaggs said that different light setups work at different times of the year.

"A nice colorful set up could complement the illegal fireworks people like to shoot off in the neighborhood during the 4th of July, and the light up Santa on the porch is real festive for Valentine's day. I dunno why other people would take them all down," Scaggs said.

Betty Tulane, a 300lb unemployed mother of six, said keeping the lights up was her way of keeping the war on Christmas going.

"Sure, I could get up the ladder, (gasp), but then how'd we remember that liberals (gasp) be trying to steal our religion from (Gasp) us. Back when I used to go to church (gasp) before my disability made it hard to travel (gasp) they'd always talk about it (gasp). I vowed I'd never take the lights down (gasp). Hand me my oxygen, (gasp)," Tulane said.

WKKK television executives suggest people send in pictures to the station all year for the contest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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