Written by Philip Moon
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Thursday, 24 December 2009

image for Study Finds More People Leaving South, Threatening to Reverse Gains in Gene Pool
Ths South will rise again, down south, if you know what I mean.

Mobile, AL - In this Gulf Coast city in the deep south, one thing you may notice is the many abandoned and foreclosed homes. The recession has hit hard here, and this region may be suffering the most from the housing bust.

Now the South has seen a halt in population growth and even a reversal, making several anthrobiologists worry it could lose population and much needed gains in its gene pool.

Dr. Keith Salmon of Auburn University said the drop in population growth could hurt a population that was gaining after centuries of isolation and segregation.

"The influx of the last ten years was helping deepen the gene pool. While other areas of the nation historically gained from more ethnicities mixing and large scale immigration, the closed culture of the South hampered its genetic development," Dr. Salmon said.

Even for the uneducated and less sophisticated in society the threat of a limited gene pool is evident. Kyle Gerswain of Tocomas, Florida said he felt the loss of people who moved away from his trailer park.

"Well, Ol' Susie from Massachusetts left when she lost her job, I lost my other girl Juanita when immigration officers raided her trailer and deported her family and Jessica joined Americorps and got sent out to New York. Now the only pretty girls are my cousin Betty Lou and sister Britney, and that ain't right, but my options are so limited," Gerswain said.

Georgia State Senator Landon McPhee suggest the federal government launch a jobs program that brings millions of young people from across the country into the South for work and to increase the gene pool.

"Think of it like the jobs programs of the 1930's, instead of aiming to give road jobs or forestry jobs, we get hand job and blow jobs for the masses," Senator McPhee said.

Senator McPhee, who also works as a Baptist preacher, says he doesn't condone premarital sex, but that the government had to be realistic.

"If they are going to do it, let's have them do it outside the family tree," McPhee said.

While the Obama administration hasn't directly addressed the issue of Southern genetic growth, MTV announced a plan with several southern state tourism agencies to help the cause.

"We plan to open out MTV Spring Break at several coastal cities in the South in hope of increasing intimate interactions between Americans and the South's genetic makeup through drunken-hookup knock-ups this Spring Break," MTV said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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