Written by Helen Tarnation
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Monday, 21 December 2009

The US Bureau of Animals, Nature, Kephalopods, Rotifers, Ubiquitates, Pachyderms and Thermophiles (BANKRUPT) has condemned plans by the Generous Environmentalists Totally Saving All Polar Organisms (GETSAPO) to evacuate polar bears to Antarctica as 'ridiculous, frivolous, and impossible.'

'By our estimate, it would take 48.5 years to evacuate all the polar bears on luxury Greenprice yachts', said Brent Masterson, field director of BANKRUPT for Northern Regions.

'With the recent ban on hunting polar bears, their numbers have grown to levels unprecedented in human history. With more polar bears than ever before, only the US Navy could mount an effort sufficient to relocate the bears before they're just swimming with the seals', he added.

As it turns out, there's an important issue in BANKRUPT's calculations.

'Our estimate assumes that the polar bears will not eat the crew during the transit to the South Pole', Masterson said. 'The bears will become hungry during the voyage, and consumption of the crew cannot be ruled out.'

BANKRUPT also denounced plans for violent clashed between the GETSAPO, NAZI, and the KGB over plans to evacuate the bears.

'The time frame is too short, the luxury yachts too few, and the odds too low that we'll find crews willing to volunteer to be food for the bears', Masterson said.

'Everything looks great on paper until you grab one of them bears by the tail and try to drag them onto a boat.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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