Written by Helen Tarnation
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Thursday, 17 December 2009

image for Nuns dial police emergency - Tiger Woods seen fleeing convent
Nuns: 'We would all have been defrocked and deflowered'

Early last evening, nuns at the Our Lady of Dismal Perpetuality convent dialed police emergency when they heard the sounds of a break-in.

'We heard glass breaking, and then hoarse, heavy breathing', said Sister Mary George. 'We were all in our beds and accounted for, so we knew something was up.'

The intruder apparently fled when police sirens sounded in the distance.

Across the street from the convent, Father Paddy O'Malley looked out the windows when he heard the sirens. 'It's not often that things happen around here that warrant a siren or two,' he said.

Father O'Malley, an avid golfer, says there's absolutely no mistake about what he saw.

'There he was, Tiger Woods, plain as day, naked as a jaybird, running like a madman with his shirt and pants bundled under his arm', O'Malley said. 'He ran right across the street, under the street lamp, and disappeared into the brush behind the church.'

Sister Mary George is glad things turned out as they did.

'If things had gone much further', she remarked, 'we'd all be in newspapers and television shows and people would be calling us all 'the Tiger Nuns'.'

'That would have been dreadful', she giggled.

Police are combing the area, but it appears Tiger has disappeared once again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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