Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 10 December 2009

image for Sandra Bullock May Get "Blind-Sided" by Early Christmas Present
Piercing shrieks less irritating when "little rugrats" play outdoors, says Miss Congeniality.

LOS ANGELES, California - Jesse James has won his latest battle in an ongoing custody feud with porn queen and ex-wife Janine Lindemulder, bringing his current wife, Miss Congeniality Sandra Bullock, one step closer to a Proposal that should make her a full time mommy by Christmas, said a source close to the case.

On Monday, a California court took an Extreme Close-Up look at, then decided to abstain from granting, Lindemulder's Pipe Dreams of extended custody of her 5-year-old daughter, who was conceived on the back of Jesse James' West Coast chopper, according to several witnesses.

Lindemulder was released from prison in July, Slip Slidin' Away after serving a sultry six-month sentence (with several other salacious sluts) for tax evasion. During her absence, Bullock helped care for her 5-year-old girl, as well as James' two other children from a prior marriage, despite having less than Two Weeks Notice.

Upon her release, Lindemulder wrote a letter to the judge indicating that her Hidden Obsession was "to get back to a normal, healthy, loving life," which for her includes making adult videos, hurling vases at people, paying $300,000 in back taxes, and writing books about lesbian prison sex.

The judge did grant Lindemulder limited daytime weekend visitation rights, but informed her that "merely keeping the children's consumption of drugs and alcohol to a minimum" was absolutely unacceptable, nor should they be involved in any Parlor Games, he said.

"Uh... this is great!" said Bullock, her nervous smile barely disguising her feelings of dread and terror as she fought back a Premonition. She indicated that she's "certainly had her hands full lately," but added almost tearfully, "I just (gulp) love kids! I mean, you know, I actually, really... really do like... kids!?"

Bullock and Lindemulder's takes on parenting are likely to be as different as their views on making movies.

For example, Bullock once noted, "Movie sex scenes are never romantic, and you're never swept off your feet. It's always very technical... I'm counting the beats: Okay, we're supposed to kiss for two beats, then I say my line, then they want another kiss for four beats. I'm going, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, and break. It's like choreography.

"Sometimes you have actors who feel it's their job to get their tongue as far down into your throat as possible," said Bullock. "You're like, excuse me, I like you, but not that much."

She said she has become "a little gun shy" after events like these, unlike her porn counterpart, who's not "gun shy" at all, and tends to see things from a different position, albeit in a somewhat harsher light.

Lindemulder explained: "Adult movie sex scenes are never romantic; you usually just get shoved onto the bed. Then, it gets technical... I'm always keeping time like, okay, I'm supposed to suck him off for thirty seconds, then I spit on his cock. Then, they want me to deep throat him for another ten seconds, so I'm all like, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, and inhale. It's very choreographed.

"Sometimes you have actors who feel it's their job to get their cock as far down into your throat as possible," she noted. "You're like, excuse me, I know that actually is your job, but I've still got to breathe, you know!"

Make The San Francisco Onion's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.



Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.




Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 plus 1?

5 17 24 2

Go to top