Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Snow, Storm

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

image for Snowbound Insomniac Wakes Local Neighborhood

Reportedly awakened by the constant howling of the Midwestern winds off a neighboring plain mixed with the tinkling of ice crystals on the glass window near his bed, one local Wisconsin resident apparently lost control of his faculties this morning at 3:00 AM local time, disturbing all residents of his 90 home subdivision.

Faced with a drifting snow storm apparently blocking his driveway and piling 5 feet up against his garage door, Percival Marcellus Wortham of Belgium, reportedly woke the neighbors and created a stir while operating his 24 inch commercial snow blower, replete with grumbled noise from a broken muffler, up and down the streets near his home.
Noise alone from the un-muffled engine and thrashing blades of the machine being enough to anger his neighbors at that hour of the morning, shock factor was added by the view of Wortham operating the machinery wearing only a fleece hat from 66 North, red and white striped maple leaf scarf from the Canadian Olympic team, deerskin mukluks and no-brand boxer briefs from the dollar store.

While his dedicated wife of 24 years pleaded with him to "stop being an ass, and come back to bed", police were eventually called to the scene to intervene in what would normally be considered a common "disturbing the peace" violation. The arrest was made all the more difficult by Wortham refusing to turn off the spinning blades of death, and his unwillingness to stop singing the lyrics to "Let it Snow". Belgium Police Sergeant Paddy McFarlane tells reporters, "Actually he kept repeating only one line from the song about the weather outside being frightful, or something like that".

Eventually succumbing to the pleas from his wife and daughters, Wortham relinquished control of the snow blower to police. His wife had explained to police that Wortham had been trying to save money on rising health care costs by breaking his medication in half over the course of the last few weeks. Plausible enough from Sergeant McFarlane's perspective, to release Wortham back to the care of his spouse with a warning to avoid similar behavior in the future.

Neighbors were unsatisfied with the ad-hoc judgment, looking for more punishment for having their sleep interrupted. McFarlane offered an alternative solution where each neighbor paid Wortham fair market value for plowing their driveways and streets, estimated at $25 per home, and the Sergeant would be glad to haul Wortham off to Jail. The neighbors chose to accept the original decision.

While Wortham returned the orange and white snow churning beast back to his garage, one neighbor was heard yelling, "At least put on some pants, you moron".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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