Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Eating, Japanese

Wednesday, 16 March 2005

image for Woman Eats 38 Lobsters to Win Eating Contest
It was, in a word, "carnage"

Boston - Yuko Hirofumi, a Japanese housewife, stunned the lobster eating world yesterday by walking away with 2005 title of "Top Lobster Eater" in her first attempt at a contest that is usually dominated by seasoned veterans. Hirofumi consumed 38 lobsters in less that an hour to claim the title, and unlike other contestants, she ate the lobsters shell and all. Preston Jennings of the Boston Seafood Council was pleased to see a woman finally win the contest after 48 years of male domination. "Hirofumi was great. She was like some wild animal on the stage. She devoured the lobsters like she does it all of the time. I was simply stunned with her performance."

Ralph Bolton sat next to her at the contest and couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Man, they tossed out 5 huge lobsters for each of us to start. I started pulling some meat out of my first one, and that dude tossed a couple of whole lobsters in his mouth, took a couple of chomps, and swallowed. I knew we were in trouble then." When told that the winner was a female, Bolton seemed shocked. "No kidding! Man, that was one ugly woman. I've never been much on Asian women before, but she was the ugliest of the ugly. She had her head shaved and everything, and those teeth! What a site. You wouldn't catch me dead going out with a broad with that set of choppers." Bolton estimated that Ms. Hirofumi was about 15 feet tall and must have weighed 800 to 1000 pounds.

Hirofumi was awarded a large trophy and a $2,000 cash prize that she refused to accept. "She said that she had no need of our money in her world. I find that strange, but she wanted the money to go to charity, and we will comply with her wishes," said Jennings. The money will be donated to the New England Fish Hatchery. Ms. Hirofumi told organizers that she was "particularly fond" of fish, and she wanted to do what she could to make sure that Atlantic Ocean waters stayed stocked with many of the larger species.

This reporter tried to get an interview with Ms. Hirofumi, but she was unavailable for the press conference and interviews afterwards. She left word that she wanted to get a head start on her long swim back to Japan. She was last seen in Boston harbor headed out to open waters, but I have feeling that she will be back next year to defend her crown.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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