Tampa Fl April 1st General Tommy Franks announced today a new plan in the war on terror. Army special forces in Kandahar, Afghanistan were instructed to abandon their search for Osama Bin Laden and his Al Quaida lieutenants and instead to re-organize and begin a search for Vice President Dick Cheney. Mr. Cheney has been able to elude observation of any kind since 9/11.
While reports of him being seen at "undisclosed locations" have been generated daily since that date none of them have been able to be confirmed due to the non-disclosure of the purported sites.
Teams in Kandahar are surveilling drugstores in case anyone buys nitroglycerin pills which can be used to prevent heart attacks or build weapons of mass destruction and Pakistani border guards have been given photographs of Cheney wearing a turban to hide his bald spot in case he attempts to slip across the border. Press reports that he had been seen at a real estate closing selling one million acres of prime Nevada real estate for nuclear waste storage were denied by the White House and another report that he was seen at a South Beach gay nightclub were unsubstantiated.
CIA operatives in Afghanistan speaking on a condition of anonymity (or you?ll never see your children again) disclosed that gum wrappers of the type Cheney is known to use were found alongside terrorist training manuals and rifle launched grenades in a cave complex under Buckingham Palace.
President Bush could not be reached for comments as he was at an undisclosed location at the American embassy in Peru, 123 Che Guevera St. Lima. 011-4704-995-1212 Ext. 23
Secretary of State Colin Powell said "We don't know where he is so we are just going to have to beat the Bushes some more." The CIA used all its intelligence gathering techniques to question the daughters of the President but after forty eight hours of intensive interrogation they were still unable to find out where they had bought the booze or who their co-conspirators were. ATF bureau spokeswoman Phillipa Morris said they were looking into allegations that an agent with the FBI might be involved in some sort of cover up. The FBI could neither confirm or deny this but said through their PR company, Fudgeit & Lye, "Somebody down at the IRS really screwed up this time."
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