Written by Stu B
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Topics: Hell, Credit Card

Tuesday, 3 August 2004

image for Al-Qaida And MasterCard Announce "Access" of Evil
Your inflexible friend

Senior executives of MasterCard joined today with shadowy figures of the definitive terror organisation al-Qaida to announce the launching of a new credit card for those hell bent on the destruction of the infidel.

They also announced that the product will see the reintroduction of the old "Access" brand with a new millennium twist.

Hal Secombe, Senior VP Product Development EMEA Region announced the new card as a joint venture between the finance company and the archetype nemesis of western civilisation.

"The "Access of Evil" card, is a card that we expect to be aimed at anyone who needs to be sure that the anthrax spores they are buying on the internet will absolutely get delivered to the Senator of their choice. This card will be for the fiscally secure but time challenged terrorist who want to centralise the fiscal component of his evil doing, whilst at the same time ensuring the same levels of anonymity he has always had to maintain." Said Secombe

Alam Ackbar Sibarrah, Group CEO of al-Qaida Consumer Finance division spoke through a translator of his happiness at finally getting this project off the ground. "It is the will of God that we and MasterCard have come together to add this product line to both of our well established brands. I know that for many people out there in the holy lands, al-qaida represents the kind of values they themselves aspire to. This card will offer them the ability to manage their finances whilst planning their martyrdom as well as earning valuable "Osama Points""

The "Osama Points" system allows Gold and Platinum Access of Evil Card users to build up the number of Virgins waiting for them in Heaven after their glorious death as a martyr in the name of the fight against the terrible corruptor infidel Bush.

Secombe also announced the variable rates available offering a Islamic compliant 0% on cash advances and a highly competitive 7.8% APR on transferred balances. Travel insurance is not covered in the standard offering but the Gold and Platinum cards offer cash back to travellers in compensation of their plane landing safely at its intended destination.

The cards will go on general release in the Autumn with a big advertising campaign planned around the date of the general election Sibarrah hinted at a very big publicity event kicking off the card. "Watch The Skies infidel dogs, watch the skies" he cried before being detained by waiting CIA officials.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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