OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA - In an astounding development, God has spoken to Oakland Tribune Sports Desk intern Moisés Moses, denouncing Chris Johnson's alleged praise of Him in the end zone after Johnson made a leaping interception during Monday's Raiders' game against the Houston Texans.
Johnson was immediately flagged for "excessive celebration." The cornerback protested, claiming he was "just getting on my knees, giving my respect to God."
God also castigated sports fans for misuse of prayer.
At approximately 9:13 on Tuesday evening, as Mr. Moses was assembling the box scores for the next day's morning edition, a great light suddenly shone from his computer, accompanied by a celestial sound very unlike the chirp alert that usually accompanies a newly delivered email.
"It was sorta like trumpets and sorta not," Moses described. "It was, like, different. Like something from Cirque du Soleil. Only better."
Then, a deep voice came forth from the computer and spoke to him. "It sounded kinda like Kanye West," Mr. Moses explained. "No, no, not 'Ye. " He shook his head, "More like - who's that old school dude? Yeah, whi-, whi-- WHITE! Barry White!
He was definitely a brother," Moses said. "And he KNEW me," Moses continued. "He called me Mo. That's my AKA," he added with a hint of pride.
"Deliver my message to the world, Mo," the voice said. As it spoke, an email appeared on the screen. Immediately, Moses could hear the printer engage in the next room.
Then his screen went dark.
Mr. Moses retrieved the document from the printer, the text of which follows:
From: God <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 2009 20:13:43 -0700
To: Moisés Moses <email@example.com>
Subject: Chris Johnson et al
First, I'd like to go on the record here to state definitively that Chris Johnson was not "praising" me like he claims. The Seraphim agree. We all heard it. We definitely heard him say, "I da man" as he thrust his arms up in the air. The "excessive celebration" flag? It was fair.
Not that he didn't deserve a little pride there. That was one gorgeous interception. I felt a little sorry for Andre Johnson.
But I digress. This is not a rant on Chris. I'm sending this email because I want every one of these football teams - high school, college, even the little dudes in Pop Warner - to cease and desist on all this praying! I don't really care if you made a touchdown! Good for you, but I had nothing to do with it! Those prayers during your pre-game huddles -- don't waste your time. EVERYBODY is praying for a win!
The guys you're playing - they think I'm on THEIR side. YOU think I'm on YOUR side. Now, think about that. Think about what that's like for me. Like, I'm supposed to choose? I've got a bizillion requests streaming up here at me, all at the same time. This game, that game. Friday nights are INSANE this time of year with all the high school teams. I'll tell you, I wish I had someplace else to go during football season!
You people need to save it for the important things. There's babies starving in Africa! Your planet is melting - it's gonna be one giant puddle in 50 years if you all keep doing what you're doing! Shoot me some prayers about those things. They're what matters.
Well, not that I don't care about some games. I kinda felt sorry for the Detroit Lions after not having a win for nearly two years. I admit it -- I tweaked that outcome a little bit. [God is referring here to the Lions' victory over the Washington Redskins on September 27 to break a 19 game losing streak.] I felt sorry for that one faithful little fan.
And I did help out the Boston Red Sox in 2004. Yeah, yeah, I know it's baseball and this is about football, but I actually prefer watching baseball. But, all that - er - nonsense about the "curse of the Bambino"? Fiction, pure fiction. You want 'curse", go look up a certain dude named "Satan". He'll give you 'curse', and it'll be a LOT worse than not winning a World Series for 86 years!
Don't get me started, because then I'll get into all the ridiculous prayers I hear, like if you stub your toe, or get a zit, or you want that promotion. I DON'T CARE! Well, it's not like I don't care. I do. I just wish sometimes that you'd notice that there are a lot bigger concerns than you finding a parking place because the movie's about to start.
Which reminds me. It's almost time for Jon Stewart, so I gotta go.
So, you tell them for me, Mo. You're the chosen one.
Oh, BTW, Obama didn't lie. He never lies. I should know.
The Vatican "Validate the Vision" squad has been summoned to authenticate the message, with an official ruling expected by tomorrow morning.