Washington, D.C. - President Obama today claimed that he was, in fact, the legendary "Buster Brown", and that he did, in fact, once live in a shoe. The announcement came during the opening monologue on his nightly television show, "24 Hours with Barracks Obama". The show is carried locally on all 135 cable channels, from 12:00 in the morning until 12:00 midnight.
He also described the agonizing torture his mother would put him through. The torture, which included sleep deprivation and repetitive word exercises, were punishment for his failure to perform in character as "Buster Brown", while in public.
"My mother [would] wake me up at 4:30 in the morning, and we'd sit there and go through my lessons. And I used to complain and grumble. And she'd say, "Well this is no picnic for me either, Buster.", he explained. "I did the whole nine yards, the suit, the hat, everything, every time we left the house for almost ten years, until my voice changed and my act started scaring small children.
We'd meet new people and I'd have to say "I'm Buster Brown! I live in a shoe! Here's my dog ,Tieg. He lives in there too!". People would laugh and pat me on the head and throw quarters in this shoe I carried around with me, and I'd be dying of embarrassment the whole time. It's one of those things that made me the man I am today."
Gordon Brown, Obama's brother, and now prime minister of Great Britain, denied the whole thing ever happened and suggested the story was just a last minute ploy to bring the Olympics to Chicago. "Except for the complete lack of birth certificates, we had perfectly normal childhoods. Nobody ever made anybody live in a shoe or be punished like that, and we never even had a dog! The whole thing is ridiculous!"