Washington, DC - John Kerry's campaign manager, tired of the traditional polling practices, has adopted a new policy of alternative polling.
"We sent the old way, down the highway, and have tried all kinds of "new age" predicting methods. First we tried the old tried and true; "E-knee,Me-knee,My-knee, Moe", method of predicting outcome. But it was far too confusing. We kept forgetting who was E-knee and who was Moe. We then tried another favorite, "the daisy pedal poll"; they love us, they love us not, etc. but it was not conclusive.
"One of our campaign aides thought we should use a Ouiji board, so we did. It predicted "Cookie Monster" as president and "The Count" as vice-president, and as far as we know, "Cookie" isn't even running and The Count can't because he is not a U.S. citizen, (not to mention the fact that he has retired and moved back to Transylvania), basically, what we had there, was a Ouiji board that was a wise ass, and not taking the job at hand seriously.
Cleo, the former telephone psychic, offered us her services. But after careful consideration, we decided not to take her up on it. After all, she is still under investigation by the IRS. It just wouldn't look good for us to consult her".
We did however, consult a woman that we read about in the "World Weekly News" who can make predictions by feeling the vibrations of a person's belly button lint and nose boogers, (are there any other kind?). We are going to get in touch with her to see what she comes up with Offers are pouring in.
A Native American Shaman, came to our headquarters to perform a traditional ritual, but we could not accommodate him, (apparently the ritual involves a full moon and nudity, neither of which was available.)
When asked about what the Bush camp is doing in this regard, they said, "There's a rumor going around that they are monitoring his bowel movements carefully".
What can they possibly read from that is beyond us.
(It's hard to believe anything is actually beyond them at this point.)