Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 21 September 2009

image for President Obama Now Says He Will Bailout The Newspaper Industry
Joan Danzarella, 43, reading the final edition of The Baton Rouge Bayou-Bulletin.

CLEVELAND - President Obama speaking before a gathering of The Lake Erie Typesetters Union Local #9913 has stated that he has signed The Newspaper Revitalization Act, which will help prevent hundreds of American newspapers from going out of business.

He stated that it was sad to hear that well-known reputable newspapers such as The Topeka Morning Telegram, The Albuquerque Daily Sun, and The Baton Rouge Bayou Bulletin had filed for bankruptcy and are no longer in operation.

GOP-sponsored newspaper consultant Winthrop Vanderhoeven said that those three particular newspapers all went out of business for three very good reasons.

Vanderhoven stated that The Topeka Morning Telegram lost over 70 percent of it subscribers when it dropped its daily and Sunday comic section.

The Albuquerque Daily Sun lost half of its readers when it dropped the Sports Section and The Baton Rouge Bayou Bulletin lost 80 percent of its readers when they let popular Cajun cooking columnist Boo Boo Thibodaux go because of his involvement in the recent Cash For Crawfish Scandal.

Vanderhoeven wants to know how the president can justify giving the newspapers of America billions of dollars when some of the newspapers have gone from having 30 pages down to having 3 pages and yet they have even had the nerve to raise their prices.

He further went on to say that he has a fear that once the government goes in and provides a stimulus package bailout for the newspaper industry, what is there to stop other industries like the hula hoop industry or the popcorn packaging industry to also request a share of the stimulus package bailout pie as well.

The president said that newspapers are a vital part of the American economy. He said that everyday, millions of American's use newspapers to cover the bottoms of bird cages, and to wrap potato peelings in.

He said that just last week a 96-year-old lady living in Cincinnati named Saratoga Vexview begged him not to allow the newspapers to die.

She said that she uses the old newspapers to cook with. She said ever since back in March when the electric company cut off her electricity she has had to cook her food using newspapers instead of her stove.

Another elderly gentleman Riley Fluxpitten, 91, who lives on a nicotine farm outside of Charlotte, North Carolina said "If my local newspaper shuts down, I will have to resort to buying regular store-bought toilet paper and that shit (excuse the pun) is expensive."

A subscriber to The Topeka Morning Telegram for 53 years Myrtle Karpkicker says that all of this 'shutting down business' that is engulfing America has got to stop.

Karpkicker said that first they'll do away with our newspapers, and next it will be our doorbells, and after that probably our salt and pepper shakers.

Myrtle got all misty-eyed and said and who knows after that it could be our toilets and then our underwear.

Myrtle noted that, that was precisely the reason why she voted for Hillary Clinton. She said that she was almost 100 percent sure that Hillary will never take away her underwear.

SIDENOTE: Hillary Clinton was told about Myrtle Karpkicker's concern. She was asked if she would ever take away anyone's underwear and Clinton replied that she wanted all of the Myrtle Karpkicker's of American to rest assured that she would never take away their underwear.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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