Written by Rich Lather
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Monday, 26 July 2004

SAN FRANCISCO - It seems that presumed Democratic presidential candidate, John Kerry, and his running mate, John Edwards aren't waiting for the honeymoon. In a rally near the San Francisco waterfront, the two Johns surprised supporters by engaging in a long, passionate kiss. The crowd erupted with roaring applause for several minutes. Once the din subsided, John Kerry quipped "I know, I know, we're already marriedÂ… to women." On that note, the throng of supporters again whistled and cheered for what seemed like an eternity.

Reminiscent of the Madonna/Britney Spears kiss, the smooch was apparently choreographed to solidify the support of the gay/lesbian community. Based on the response of the rally attendees, the two Johns definitely hit their mark. Melissa Duke, a lesbian Kerry/Edwards supporter, stated that she "thought the kiss was really cool. I know they ain't gay, but I think it's so damn cool that they're like, all open-minded and stuff." Similar sentiments were echoed by many other San Francisco Kerry/Edwards supporters. The Democratic party has long enjoyed the support of the gay/lesbian community, and it seems that in this election support will be even stronger.

Questions were raised regarding the sexual orientation of John and John, to which handlers responded that the candidates are both firmly founded in their heterosexuality. They are simply "in touch with the needs of the gay/lesbian community and wanted to show that they can relate on a personal level. A man who is secure in his sexuality can kiss another man without necessarily being gay." Either way, the crowd seemed pleased with what they heard and saw.

When asked if she was uncomfortable with her husband's bold move, Teresa Heinz Kerry smiled and said, "They're just being boys. Besides, John knows on which side his biscotti is buttered." Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards' life partner, was not available for comment.

With the Democratic National Convention kicking off in Boston today, questions linger regarding what Kerry/Edwards might do to top their San Francisco kiss. The pair has been successful in garnering support from many traditionally Democratic segments of the voting community. While the convention is merely a formality as it is generally accepted that Kerry/Edwards will secure the nomination, only time will tell if they have what it takes to grab the Whitehouse this November.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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