Written by Paris Silton
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Tuesday, 15 September 2009

image for Secret of Dan Brown's "Lost Symbol" Leaked!
Dan Brown reveals the worldwide McDonald's conspiracy, which extends to Iraq

Less than 24 hours before the highly anticipated "Lost Symbol" hit book shelves, a former employee of author Dan Brown debunked rumors that it will reveal how the Freemasons controlled early American government.

Speculation about the number 33 and the Capitol Dome, both of which appear on the two versions of the book cover, has also been misinterpreted, according to a former employee of Mr. Brown.

"The book is about McDonald's, pure an simple" said Guido Zabaglione, referring to the fast food giant during a press conference in the living room of his mother's Trenton, New Jersey row house. Mr. Zabaglione, who identifies himself as Dan Brown's former pool man, has revealed the book's strenuously guarded secrets. "They been tryin to fool everybody wit these two COVERS and everyting, but I know what's REALLY goin on! And it's gonna blow the lid off up in here! The book's about how tings went down when Ray Kroc started McDonald's and the conspiracy dat has been in charge from the beginning - controlling the company and the minds of the people who eat the garbage. It's some pretty freaky shit."

Mr. Zabaglione, who was wearing a muscle shirt, black socks and sandals and who bears an uncanny resemblance to President Nicolas Sarkozy of France, revealed "The whole ting about Freemasons and George Washington - it's all ugatz!" whereupon his mother ran in from the kitchen, smacked him upside the head, and yelled "You watch your mouth, mamaluke!". "I'm sorry, Ma, I'm sorry. Sheez!" he apologized, continuing. "That picture of the place in Washington, you know, that round ting that looks like St. Peter's in Rome, it's just there to trow you off." He went on to explain that the Capitol Dome in Washington represents the Golden Arches of the ubiquitous fast food chain and also the Food and Drug Administration. The number 33 is the number of grams of fat in a quarter-teaspoon of its Big Mac Sauce, and also the number of people in a secret cabal who, to this day, oversee the global operation that embeds microscopic mind- and appetite-control granules in the products sold by the hamburger chain.

"The words "ORDO AB CHAO", embedded in a wax seal on the cover of "The Lost Symbol" are known to every goombah on duh planet," Zabaglione explained. According to the unemployed pool man, the expression is used to describe someone who eats regularly at McDonald's and is roughly translated as "crazy fat gut" from the Spanish "gordo abs cao" or "fatso with the chaotic abs."

When asked why Spanish instead of Italian was the basis of the expression, Mr. Zabaglione grabbed his crotch and suddenly stood up, threatening to punch the reporter while sweeping his other arm towards the front door. "You callin me a liar?" he shouted. "You sayin I'm fagaisey? Get outta here, stugatz!" He finally calmed down when his mother called from the kitchen, "Cut it out, Gwee. You're such a gagoots!"

"The ting is, that Dan Brown is a real sbuzzo at this mystery shit. He made up the rumors and then came up wit these clues dat have double meanings," said Zabaglione, shaking his head in awe. The final clue, the key that's depicted on one of the book covers, was "the best one" he disclosed. "It just happens to look like the Freemason's, but it's the real key that Ray Kroc used to open the hidden safe that held all the secret records of how the Family helped him start up his hamburger chain." According to Zabaglione, the Food and Drug Administration was involved, as well as Henry Ford and Giuseppe Demarco, the Mafia don who, at that time, controlled the unions operating the Midwest beef cartel. "Ray Kroc was in cahoots wit all a dem," Zabaglione said.

The safe is buried under a McDonald's franchise next door to a Freemason temple somewhere near Washington, DC. "The book is gonna bring down the whole McDonald's operation," Zabaglione whispered, glancing surreptitiously about.

For the five years while the book was taking shape, Zabaglione cleaned the best-selling author's pool at his home in Rye, New Hampshire. He confessed that he had peeked at the galleys when Brown took his daily afternoon swim. "The guy was such a cooch, ya know. He'd go in the water no matter what -- even if it was freezin outside!" This afforded Zabaglione the opportunity to snatch some of the pages, hide them in the net of his leaf skimmer and scan them under cover in the cabana.

Just as Zabaglione was about to reveal more details of the far-reaching conspiracy, his mother called him into the kitchen for lunch. Zabaglione abruptly cut off the interview, escorting the reporters out while his mother repeatedly invited all to stay for the meal. "Mangia, mangia! There's plenty!" she shouted to the reporters' retreating backs as they scrambled to call their news bureaus.

When asked to comment on the new revelations, Dick Moonmann, spokesman for the Kroc family, said "It's a crock" and hung up the phone.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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