Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Miley Cyrus, Alaska, Snow

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

image for Miley Cyrus To Star In "The Pole Dancing Doll"
The Alaskan State Capitol Building (Note the snow).

LOS ANGELES - Late Teen Magazine has announced that Miley Cyrus will begin filming her newest motion picture in two weeks.

In the movie Cyrus stars as 27-year-old Indianapolis ingenue Zoe Youngweather, heiress to The Youngweather Velcro Mines, The Youngweather Pet Hamster Walking Service, and The Youngweather Weather Vane Manufacturing Corporation.

It's vacation time and Zoe decides to travel up to the cold, cold, ridiculously cold Yukon Territory to visit her aunt and uncle Alexa and Miles Stickerburn. Aunt Alexa works as a receptionist for The Chattering Eskimo Igloo Repair Company.

Uncle Miles works for the Canadian National Forest Animal Husbandry Department as a caribou semen collector in Canada's highly successful 'Let's Make A Baby Caribou' reproductive program.

One day while her uncle Miles is out collecting you-know-what Zoe and her aunt spend some of their free time sitting around trying to stay warm and dreaming up a way to invent something that would bring them tons and tons of money.

Zoe thought about an iPod, but that had already been invented. She thought about an electric blanket but that had also been invented.

And then as her and her aunt are eating a couple of Klondike Bars while sitting in her aunt's doll room, which houses a little over 727 dolls, she hits upon an idea. She sets out to invent a doll that a little girl feeds water to and then the doll pees.

She looks on the Internet and realizes that, that doll was invented back in the 50s and was known as Betsy Wetsy.

Aunt Alexa mentions about inventing a modern age doll that would drink bottled water. She suggests that they would call it Missy Pissy.

Just as she is drawing up the plans she happens to see Miley Cyrus on TV during the Teen Choice Awards. Cyrus is dancing on stage in a pole dancing number. Zoe's mouth drops open and 'Bingo!' she hits upon an idea.

Within 48 hours Zoe and aunt Alexa begin producing and selling Pole Dancing Dolls on eBay, Craig's List, and the Craig's Bay List Site. In just two weeks the two entrepreneurs manage to sell over 990,000 dolls, including 7,000 of them to Marie Osmond alone.

Zoe eventually ends up moving up to Fairbanks, Alaska where she begins dabbling in snow scene painting, snow rabbit foot collecting, and politics. A 103-year-old 'iglooless' Eskimo named Nanooki Chachapoo convinces her to run for governor.

He tells her if that helicopter, telescopic high-powered rifle reindeer shooting snowflake can run and be elected governor of Alaska then she should be a 'snowshoe-in.'

Zoe decides to run and she hires Nanooki to be her campaign manager. He prints up T-Shirts that read: Hi, My Name is Zoe and I Ain't Never Gonna Build No Bridge To Nowhere Like "Snow Plow" Palin Went and Did So Please Vote 4 Me.

Because of Zoe's charming charm, fabulous personality, gorgeous good looks, and fantastic-looking bahookie (derriere) (tushalictacus) she wins the Alaskan election by a landslide, which in Alaskan politics is called an avalanche.

English teachers from throughout Alaska however are incensed and they criticize her for her lack of command of the English language.

Governor Youngweather responds by telling the stuffy English teachers that she doesn't like the fact that over half of them mispronounce their own state's name by calling it Alasker.

Not to give the ending away, but the newly-elected governor becomes very upset and in the final scene we see her and Lieutenant Governor Nanooki Chachapoo both sitting in her master bedroom contemplating the possibility of firing all of the state's English teachers and replacing them with unemployed English teachers from Russia, which by the way Governor Youngweather can see from her upstairs bathroom.

SIDENOTE: The movie is based on the Clover Jo Sagabrinski novel, The Ice Cold Pole Dancing Doll. And not to give away the novel's ending, but in the book at the very end, Governor Zoe Youngweather and Lieutenant Governor Nanooki Chacahpoo end up flying to Moscow and getting married.

The movie's director Proximo Paul Bazooka decided that a lot of people would not really believe that a beautiful, erotically sensuous 27-year-old woman like Zoe Youngweather would marry a 103-year-old Eskimo man even if he owned half of Alaska, which of course he didn't. So as the movie ends Bazooka merely shows the two dating (and then only on weekends).

Make Abel Rodriguez's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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