Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 6 September 2009

image for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart To Star in "The Hors D'oeuvres"
Manchester's most famous French restaurant Le Loins of Joan of Arc Restaurant.

LONDON - Two of the most popular individuals on the face of the Earth, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are set to start filming a new motion picture The Hors D'oeuvres.

The latest offering from famed British director Sir Alfred Burgess Braxtonshire will be filmed entirely on location in Manchester's most famous French restaurant, Le Loins of Joan of Arc and at Manchester's Elrod and Rigoletto Twisterwitz Home For The Pastry Obsessed.

In the movie, Rob Pattinson, 23, plays a 24-year-old compulsive croissant eater named Jacques Chevalier (no relation to Maurice) who has just started a three month stay at The Elrod and Rigoletto Home For The Pastry Obsessed.

Kristen Stewart, 19, portrays 39-year-old Bernadette Bardot (no relation to Bridgette) the Home's executive director of entertainment and basic frivolity.

Bernadette secretly starts providing Jacques with little things such as Junior Mints, M&M's, Skittles, Salisbury Steak, and unplanned necking.

Miss Bardot, who is twice divorced has a strange fascination with the professor from the old Gilligan's Island Show. The fixated fixation first started when her Aunt Boobsie gave her the entire three year Gilligan's Island DVD Collection for her 31st birthday.

Ever since then, Bernadette has been astonishingly jealous of the Mary Ann character even going as far as downloading photos of Mary Ann and then drawing moustaches, devil horns, and cavities on them.

The young actors have both agreed that in lieu of being paid a salary, they will both take a percentage of the profits from the sales of the Jacques and Bernadette Anatomically Correct Action Figure Dolls.

The dolls are being manufactured by The Hasbroken Toy Company of Hoboken, New Jersey. Hasbroken spokesperson Herman Stahlsinger says that Pattinson and Stewart have each agreed to receive 30 percent of all the profits.

Pattinson revealed that his Twilight character Edward Cullen's Anatomically Correct Action Figure Doll sold a total of 19 million dolls world wide, including two million in the San Francisco-Oakland area alone.

He said that the contract he signed called for him to receive $1 per doll. So by using simple arithmetic, Pattinson made $19 million on his share of the Edward Cullen Anatomically Correct Action Figure Doll.

Movie producers have also agreed to give Pattinson and Stewart each half of the profits from the sales of the Jacques and Bernadette school lunchboxes as well as half of all profits from the sale of T-shirts, posters, iPods, iPhones, iPurses, training bras, and glow-in-the-dark condoms.

In the movie, Jacques and Bernadette move to America once he completes his three month stay at The Elrod and Rigoletto Twisterwitz Home For The Pastry Obsessed.

Once in the U.S. they open up a bottled water plant in Pascagoula, Mississippi and secure the contract to provide bottled water to The Seattle Seahawks, The Miami Dolphins, The Pittsburgh Penguins, and The Florida Marlins.

Jacques and Bernadette buy a lavish home in the French Quarter of New Orleans. They soon open up The Jacques and Bernadette Quintessential French Food Catering Service.

They do great business providing food for the various French can can recitals, French weddings, French wedding anniversaries, and even a few French divorces.

The Bernadette character eventually gets pregnant and her and Jacques agree that no matter if the baby is a boy or a girl they will name it Boobsie after her favorite aunt Boobsie McTuckertacker.

Without giving the ending away, it soon turns out that Jacques is not the biological father. The biological father is one Franz Dijon Du Grey Poupon, a biology instructor at the University of Ooh La La in Baton Rouge, who had recently repaired Jill's biological clock (for free).

In other news. Condoleezza Rice has just released her 12th book. It is entitled, Rice and Beans. It deals with Condi's post White House travels to Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula, which is a beautiful tropical paradise except for the six-foot long iguanas that wonder about as if they were squirrels.

Make Abel Rodriguez's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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