Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 5 September 2009

image for Kristen Stewart Finally Admits Martha Stewart Is Her Biological Grandmother
A recent photo of Kristen Stewart taken on her bed. The hand on the right is unidentified. (photo courtesy of Martha Stewart)

NEW YORK CITY - After months of lots and lots of speculation, intonation, contemplation, and guesstimation, unnamed reliable sources have stated that Martha Stewart is in fact Kristen Stewart's biological grandmother.

Martha who is 68, and Kristen who is 19, not only have the same identical last names, but they also amazingly have the the same identical elbows, thumbs, and Adam's apples.

The two Stewart's also both have the same favorite color terra cotta, as well as both consider the number 347 to be their lucky number.

A neighbor of Martha's, Yokushi Hackheimer, 72, first suspected that the two might be related when she noticed that Martha had three copies of Kristen's movie, The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas in her living room.

Martha tried to say that she accidentally bought the two extra ones by mistake. The elder Stewart's mailman said that he first suspected something when he noticed that Ms. Stewart had gotten personalized license plates for her Rolls Royce that read Kristen-1.

When Kristen was first asked if she was in fact the granddaughter of the famous business magnate and founder of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia she denied it by saying "nopers."

When shown copies of notarized DNA documents, one with her name, social security number, and DNA photos and one with Ms. Stewart's name, social security number, and DNA photos she finally admitted it.

Kristen said that the reason she did not want the world to know that she was Martha Stewart's granddaughter was because she did not want people to think that the only reason she was famous and so tremendously popular was because she was related to the famous K-Mart spokeswoman.

The star of Twilight, Adventureland, and Sitting Bull - The Indian Giving Years finally admitted, after having been asked by ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and The BBC, that her biological grandmother, whom she calls Biogram, did lend her a rather substantial amount of money three years ago.

When Kristen was asked by Greta Van Susteren, 55, of Fox News how much she replied that it was none of business. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Larry King noted that the exact amount was $1,275,400.]

Martha Stewart was asked how much money she had lent her granddaughter and she replied that it was $1,275,400 and that Kristen had already paid back $20,000.

Kristen told Oprah Winfrey that she is presently filming a movie on location in downtown Los Angeles. The movie is called K-13 and in it Kristen portrays a male prisoner.

She said that she had to practice how to walk without swishing and give females the 'up and down look.' She also smiled and said that she learned the proper way to scratch her blank (crotch).

But the hardest thing that she had to do to prepare for her role as a man was to grow facial hair. She said that the sideburns and the moustache worked out fairly good, but she had to use a lot of Rogaine on her chin to get a beard to grow in.

When asked why she just didn't use facial hair props she giggled and said that she never even thought about that.

Kristen said that later this year she will be starring in a sequel to Zathura which is entitled, Aruhtaz - Back To Yesterday.

SIDENOTE: Kristen's biological grandmother's neighbor Yokushi Hackheimer says that the younger Stewart is somewhat modest and does not like to reveal the fact that she has recently been named the most popular actress in Afghanistan, Algeria, Austria, Argentina, Australia, and Antarctica...and that's just the A's.

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