Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 3 September 2009

image for America Votes Grandma Lee To The America's Got Talent Finals
A photo of Grandma Lee's dog in his doghouse. She named him Viagra in honor of her husband.

HOLLYWOOD - Grandma Lee, the 75-year-old Jacksonville Jokester is headed into the America's Got Talent Finals.

The AGT viewers voted to keep Florida's most famous senior citizen going on, which at her age those two words do definitely have a dual meaning.

Grandma Lee proudly told the show's host Nick Cannon that she had worn her lucky tattered bloomers underneath her blue jeans.

She said that her late husband had given them to her exactly 50 years ago on the anniversary of getting her unibrow cut into two normal looking eyebrows.

The grandmother of eight says that before she got her one brow turned into two brows she was always catching people staring at her.

She said they would stare at her while she was in the checkout lane at the grocery store, in the post office stamp machine line, and in church.

She said that the church glares were the worst. She finally decided to speak to the pastor and she asked him if he would instruct the choir to stop gawking at her because she was having trouble concentrating on her singing and as a result she was hitting some real horrible notes.

She also told him that she would really appreciate it if he too would stop gazing at her while he was conducting his sermon.

Grandma Lee said that one time when the pastor was looking directly at her, one little girl in the front row turned around to see what the pastor was looking at and when she saw her she started screaming and crying.

The little girl's mother said that her daughter was so traumatized by that incident that it was two years before she could return to church and three years before she was able to go out trick or treating again.

Grandma Lee said that she was thrilled to death, ah make that thrilled beyond belief, to be voted to continue on into the America's Got Talent finals.

She told host Nick Cannon that she plans to go to WalMart and buy herself a brand new outfit including support hose, support bloomers, and a special support old woman's bra that latches on to her cantaloupes (rackayucka) and brings the doo dahs (mams) back up off of her waist and a little below her neck region where the num nums (droopers) are supposed to actually be.

When the feisty Floridian was selected to go on in the competition judge Sharon Osbourne asked her if she was nervous. Grandma Lee sloshed her tongue around inside her mouth a little bit and replied that she was as nervous as a pencil at a woodpecker convention.

David Hasselhoff asked her if she had ever in her life been this excited. She thought about it and then replied that she had been. She said that it was some years ago when her late husband brought home his first bottle of viagra.

She said that it took her husband four days to finally wipe the smile off of her face. She did add that it took her quite a while to forgive him for scrubbing her face with that damn Brillo pad.

Piers Morgan realizing that she was truly excited asked her if she needed to go offstage to go to the bathroom. Grandma Lee winked at him and told him thank you, but that she had just gone about 20 seconds before.

SIDENOTE: Grandma Lee was asked who her favorite female comedians are. She replied that her three favorite female comedians are Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, and Ann Coulter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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