Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 2 September 2009

image for America's Got Talent's Grandma Lee Gets A Standing O
Grandma Lee on her way to the doctor's to get her ovaries tucked back in where they belong.

HOLLYWOOD - The feisty 75-year-old Jacksonville, Florida grandmother Grandma Lee brought the America's Got Talent house down with her comedy routine.

She said that her fantasy is still to go out on a date with either Piers Morgan or David Hasselhoff or if she plays her Metamucil right both at the same time. She refers to David as her "Stud Muffin #1" and Piers as her "Stud Muffin #2."

Grandma Lee told Sharon (Osbourne) that she didn't want her to feel ignored but that for 75 years the Gramalator has been hitting homeruns from the right side of the plate and that she is much too old now to be switching over to the left side [wink-wink].

Piers asked her if she had a boyfriend. She replied that she did and that his name is Norbert. Grandma Lee says that she knows that Piers can take him because she would help Piers take him.

She said that Norbert's a younger man and quickly adds that he's 74, but he has the body of a 72-year-old. David asked her if her and Norbert neck.

She laughs and says that at their age coughing is foreplay, sneezing is secondary foreplay, and touching elbows is the "Act."

Sharon laughs and says that Norbert sounds a little bit like her Ozzy, except that Grandma Lee can at least understand Norby's dirty talk.

"Dirty talk?" Grandma Lee shouts. "Hell, at our age dirty talk is when we're at the kitchen table and we ask each other to pass the pepper."

When Grandma Lee first came out to start her comedy routine, she said howdy y'all my name is Grandma Lee, and then she quickly fell asleep.

She woke up after two seconds and asked where the hell everybody had gone. She said that certainly they all didn't have to go to the bathroom and take a piss all at once.

She then looked over at Hasselhoff and asked him if he still peed in his pants.

David was stunned. He was literally at a loss for words. She then asked him if the cat had his tongue. He answered no and Grandma Lee shook her head and told him that he was one sick puppy.

She then zeroed in on Sharon and she asked her if she still combed her hair with a cheese grater. Sharon replied that she never did. Grandma Lee shot back that she sure as hell fooled the crap out of her then.

She then zoomed in on Piers. She looked at him, batted her eyes, and told him that she's been carrying around a condom in her purse for twenty years and that it now has his name on it...in pencil.

The Florida grandmother then glanced over at the host Nick Cannon. She threw him an up and down stare and asked, "So you're the lucky fella who's married to Mariah Carey are ya?"

"Yes ma'am, I sure is."

The 75-year-old shook her head and told him that either he had more money than Oprah Winfrey or else he's got a bigger tongue than Gene Simmons of Kiss.

Piers buzzed her! Grandma gave him a look that could've killed a cobra. She shot him the finger. And she said that he had just blown it.

"That's it Limey, no wrinkled wonder for you tonight," Grandma Lee said as an America's Got Talent nurse led her off-stage.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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