Written by ESB
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Topics: masturbation

Sunday, 23 August 2009

image for Pro-Life Group Goes After Masturbator
Jesus ponders what he should do

Topeka, Kansas - 16 year-old Jimmy Sullivan never considered himself a murderer. His sexual impulses, he thought, were fairly typical for a boy his age. "My mom says it's all part of growing up." - Judith Prince disagrees.

Prince runs the local chapter of the National Right to Life - a pro-life organization. Prince calls Sullivan's behavior "morally reprehensible. He is literally flushing life down the toilet. Who knows how many millions of babies he's killed."

Sullivan's actions have drawn the ire of Prince who has responded by organizing demonstrations outside the boy's home. The teenager used to masturbate two or three times a day. He now says he can't concentrate long enough to orgasm even once. "I try thinking of a hot girl and it works for awhile until I hear them chanting."

Prince and her devoted army of soccer moms stand watch at all hours of the night. They carry signs that read "Jimmy Sullivan Hates Jesus" and "There Are Dead Babies In Your Septic Tank." Prince smiles as she talks about the signs, however she's most proud of the chant she and another mom created. "2-4-6-8 Jimmy Sullivan mas-tur-bates." Prince mimes a cheerleader then adds, "pretty catchy isn't it?"

The song is a constant source of embarrassment for Sullivan. The 16 year-old says he gets made fun of at school and is considering dropping out. "High school sucks. Everyone jerks off but no one will admit it." When told of Sullivan's comments Prince promised she would look into the matter and hinted she may expand her protests to include other teenagers. When told of Prince's comments Sullivan said "great, now I'm going to get my ass kicked."

Sullivan, who says he hasn't masturbated in over a week, is unsure of what the future holds. "I guess I'll just start having sex, I mean, what else can I do?" Prince thinks this is a step in the right direction, but she wants to make sure Jimmy gets married first. "A 16 year-old boy shouldn't be having sex out of wedlock - it's a sin. She added, "I think he (Sullivan) should wait for a nocturnal emission." When asked to clarify Prince said, "well it's like God is doing it for you."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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