Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 3 September 2009

image for Kevin Skinner To Appear In PlayChick
Kevin Skinner's all-time favorite food.

CHICAGO - The Chicago-based women's magazine PlayChick has just announced that America's Got Talent's Kevin Skinner will be appearing in their October issue.

PlayChick's publisher Sonora Sofia Tuckerbaum, 38, stated that her magazine has been trying to get the Kentucky chicken catchin', song-singin' Skinner to agree to appear in a PlayChick 'layout' ever since he first came onto the national scene.

She said that in the August issue of PlayChick the readers were asked to suggest who they would most like to see grace the magazine's glossy pages.

A total of 74,902 women submitted their choices. The three top vote getters were Matthew McConaughey, Antonio Banderas, and Kevin Skinner.

Matthew McConaughey received 1,083 votes and Antonio Banderas pulled in 1,017 votes. Kevin Skinner received a whopping 71,914 votes.

The rest of the top vote getters and their votes included Brad Pitt with 29 votes, Johnny Depp with 13, President Barack Obama with 11, Regis Philbin received 9 votes, and Kim Jong Il managed to get 3 votes.

The remaining 823 votes were all single votes for individuals ranging from Mike Tyson to Wolf Blitzer and Glenn Beck to Joaquin Phoenix.

Ms. Tuckerbaum said that she has hired famed Zimbabwean photographer Lockanocki "Say Cream Cheese" Boombawah to do the photography on the Kevin Skinner 'shoot.'

Boombawah has won several world-wide awards for his nude layouts including last year's infamous Simon Cowell layout where Cowell almost got himself eaten up by a lion while Boombawah was shooting the award-winning Lake Gazelle Lips scene in deep Zimbabwe.

Cowell had been repeatedly warned not to be eating Cheetos because the cheesy scent can attract female lions that are in heat from as far off as seven miles.

Well, as it turned out, stubborn Simon kept on eating his Cheetos and the next thing he knew a full grown lion in heat had him by his left ankle. Simon let out a piercing scream that sounded like a cross between Fran Drescher and Tatiana Del Toro.

One of the native guides Fizzy Tutatinga heard him, and with his jungle spear in his left hand and his iPod in his right hand Tutatinga started running towards Cowell.

He threw his jungle spear at the lion but it missed almost hitting Fas-Fas the jungle interpreter, who can speak 14 languages including perfect Kickapoo.

The lion was now literally dragging Cowell toward the deep jungle. The American Idol judge was still yelling in a tremendously high-pitched voice. Fizzy could hear Cowell shouting out "If I can be perfectly honest, someone please help the heck out me!"

Suddenly Cowell started yelling something in Irish. The interpreter was asked what he was saying and Fas-Fas replied that as near as he could tell Cowell seemed to be saying that he needed someone to get his motherfrackin' left ankle out of the motherfrackin' lion whore's mouth.

Fas-Fas put down his interpreter's manual and he reached in his pants pocket and pulled out a Hostess Twinkie. Fizzy asked him what the heck he thought he was going to do with a Hostess Twinkie.

Fas-Fas replied that he was going to eat it since all of this Cowell-lion whore antics had made him hungry as the dickens.

Meanwhile Lockanocki Boombawah was snapping photographs left and right. He said that the noon day sun was perfect because there were no bothersome shadows to speak of.

Just then out of the blue or actually the green (jungle) an American tourist happened by. Fizzy asked him if he could help them.

The tourist who was a slender black man replied, "Fashissel, fissle, wissel, fapissel, ipsofissel, factozissle."

Fizzy asked him what in the blue blazes hell, or actually green blazes hell he had just said.

Fas-Fas said that he understood him perfectly and that he was talking that hip hop rip rap knick knack paddy whack give a dog a bone this old man came rolling home jive.

It turned out that the man was a drug dealer from Detroit named Mucker Flaxxmaker who had come to Africa for a little "R and R" (Raves and Roofies).

Fas-Fas told him about their situation with the lion whore and Simon Cowell. Flaxxmaker quipped that wasn't he being redundant.

Fizzy told him to dispense with the frivolity and help them rescue good old Mr. Cowell. Flaxxmaker grinned and said that wasn't that an oxymoron.

Fizzy shot back, "Hey Beyonce, who the hell do you think you're calling a moron?"

Boombawah jumped in and said that they needed to stop the bantering because in the meantime the lion whore was making off with Cowell and "T-Shirt Man" was about three minutes from being the lion whore's noontime meal.

Fas-Fas asked Flaxxmaker if he could borrow his Glock 9. Flaxxmaker asked how the hell he knew that he had a Glock 9.

Fas-Fas said well I just figured that the bulge in the crotch of your pants wasn't there because you were just glad to see me since I'm thinking that you ain't one of them sidesaddle riding Michigan fairy tails are ya.

Flaxxmaker said hell no and that he liked women, spitting, scratching his groin region, asking where the friggin' remote is, and making fun of Clay Aiken.

He then hollered out for everyone to step back. He drew his Glock 9, aimed it, and shot. BOOM! the lion whore fell like a sackful of elephant shit being dropped from the top of a three story circus tent. (???)

Fas-Fas, Fizzy, Flaxxmaker, and Boombawah immediately ran towards Cowell and the dead-as-a-doorknocker (doortit) lion whore.

Cowell thanked Flaxxmaker. Flaxxmaker gave him a fist bump, a high five, a low five, and a business card.

Simon looked at the card and asked him what it was for. Flaxxmaker told him that he had just saved his life and that he wanted him to send him the cashier's check to the address on the business card.

Cowell asked him how much he wanted. Flaxxmaker said, "Well how does $25,000 sound?" Cowell replied that they had a deal. He then thought about it and added that by deal he meant a deal to pay him $25,000 not a deal as in a drug deal.

Flaxxmaker laughed and said fashissel, tissel, glissel. Cowell looked at him and answered, fish and chips, missile, Bristol, pistol, and a cheerio whistle to you mate.

Meanwhile Lockanocki Boombawah said that in the PlayChick layout Kevin Skinner won't be wearing anything except for a pair of chicken plucking boots.

Skinner said that he will take part of the $95,000 that PlayChick is paying him for the layout and he plans to pay for his girlfriend Wanda Sue to attend The IHOP School of Waitressing in Chattanooga.

Kev also said that he is going to buy Wanda Sue a brand new raincoat to replace the old tattered one so that when she is out on the tractor plowing and it starts raining she won't get her groin region all full of rain anymore.

In a related story. Mucker Flaxxmaker the drug dealer from Detroit was arrested by undercover Zimbabwean Federal Police and charged with possession of eight pounds of Hyperreal (Raves) and nine pounds of Rohypnol (Roofies).

He was also booked for alledgedly molesting a gazelle, an ostrich, and a Gaboon viper. His lawyer was asked what his chances of getting out were. He smiled and then started laughing. After composing himself he replied "Well let me puts it this way. An impotent doodlebug has a much better chance of getting a hysterectomized hippopotamus pregnant than Mr. Flaxxmaker has of ever getting his drug-dealin' bu*t (a*s) out of prison."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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