Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 23 August 2009

image for Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, and Rosie O'Donnell Buy Twitter
Tri-Guys Unlimited attorney Herb Hankowitz on the Internet finalizing the purchase of Twitter.

HOLLYWOOD - In a move that has sent shock waves throughout the electronic world Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, and Rosie O'Donnell have announced that they have just purchased Twitter.

The three women through their company Tri-Guys Unlimited last November purchased JetBlue and renamed it JetLavender.

Later that month TGU struck a deal to purchase the entire state of Montana. Corporate attorney Herb Harkowitz stated that TGU is committed to finding the very best business deals possible and agressively pursuing the acquistion of said entities.

Harkowitz remarked that the Tri-Guy Unlimited/Paramount motion picture The George Bush Presidency - The Lies, The Why's, and The Sighs broke box office records for attendance in New Hampshire, California, Arizona, Iraq, Honolulu, Haiti, Cleveland, and Vietnam.

The Salvo Classacotti film has been nominated for Best Picture, Best Makeup, Best Original Song "I'll Trade You My Arizona Beachhouse For Your Weapons of Mass Destruction" and for Best Visual Effects, the fabulous scene where the WMD's are discovered in a secret cave 400 miles west of Bru, Iceland.

DeGeneres was recently interviewed by Ryan Seacrest and asked what other acquisitions Tri-Guys Unlimited is planning on making. Ellen winked and said that she wasn't really supposed to say.

Seacrest told her that if she gave him some hints he would agree to appear on her show for free. Ellen said that TGU is looking into buying Starbucks. She said that probably 90 percent of her gay and lesbian friends have been there at one time or another.

Another possibility that they are looking at is purchasing The Beatles Song Library from the Michael Jackson Estate. She says that this way she would be able to dance to a different Beatles song on her daytime talk show for six months or more.

And she disclosed that Rosie and Melissa really want to buy the Fox Network. The reason that they want Fox so bad is so that when they buy it they can fire Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and Glenn Beck.

She did say that they would keep Greta Van Susteren because now that she has had another facelift she looks even prettier and her lips are so lusciously luscious.

When asked who TGU would get to replace Hannity, O'Reilly, and Beck she answered that her, Melissa, and Rosie had decided that they would replace the three single host shows with three brand new shows featuring three hosts each.

Hannity would be replaced by a show called Noteworthy Musical Notes starring Neil Young, Ozzy Osbourne, and Tatiana Del Toro.

Bill O'Reilly would be replaced by a sports show titled We've Got The Balls - Welcome To The Casa De Sports starring Hulk Hogan, Stacy Keibler, and Jose Canseco.

And Glenn Beck would be replaced with a new Hollywood show titled Psssst, Have We Got Some Intimately Intimate Sex Secrets For You starring Paris Hilton, Kathy Griffin, and her new 19-year-old boyfriend Levi Johnston (Sarah Palin's ex-future son-in-law).

Ellen also revealed that Rosie O'Donnell will be hosting a brand new live talk show on Fox entitled, The Gay, The Not So Gay, and The Non-Gay. She has already lined up the guests for her first three shows.

The first show will feature Lance Bass, Lindsay Lohan, and Andy Dick.

Her second show will feature Sir Elton John, Joaquin Phoenix, and Chaz Bono.

And the third show will feature Wanda Sykes, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Perez Hilton.

SIDENOTE: A source within Tri-Guy Unlimited stated off-the-record that the company is currently in negotiations to purchase the New York burrough of Queens with intentions of turning it into a type of Disneyland for gays named Queensville.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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