WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an unprecedented move to secure a solid win in the November election, President Bush today announced blanket amnesty for all illegal immigrants in America regardless of their green card status, and he confided to reporters his new choice for a running mate is comedian George Lopez.
"America is the land of opportunity," the president stated during a specially scheduled White House press conference, "and I see a huge opportunity here to land yet another term as your illegal president."
"John/John versus George/George - that's the ticket," said Bush. "Scissors cut paper, paper covers rock, rock smashes scissors, G' comes befoe J' in the alphabet."
A confused Lopez, the Latino star of the popular George Lopez Show on the ABC network, told reporters that while he had considered the offer "for about 10 seconds" he quickly told Bush that he wasn't interested in running with a man often termed by co-workers as "overwhelmingly psychotic."
"It would ruin my ratings," said Lopez. "I told Horhay No' but the man never listens to anyone."
"I think he makes it up as he goes along," Lopez added, "but isn't that true with all comedians?"
Bush, seemingly clueless that Lopez had refused his offer, went on to tell reporters that even though Kerry had chosen a more handsome and seasoned running mate, "you better watch out because young, good-looking politicians use cocaine, drink like fish, and have deplorable driving records."
Current Vice President Dick Cheney, recently hospitalized and undergoing treatment for his ninth "cardiac episode," had no comment, but family and friends state that he is optimistic about his future as a long-term care patient at D.C.'s George Washington University Hospital.
Elected by a minority vote, the Bush win in November of 2000 proved a huge political upset to Americans since the total votes counted at the polls showed a clear win for Al Gore, Jr. Still stinging from the defeat, Gore commented on the amnesty issue from his summer home in Carthage, Tennessee.
"Did you ever hear the one about the difference between a porcupine and a White House ruled by Republicans?" he asked journalists. "I don't remember the punch line but it's pretty darned funny!"