Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: Police, missing

Sunday, 2 January 2005

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - An entire family has apparently gone missing, seemingly swallowed up by a giant African Congo snake that somehow entered their home by way of a dryer vent. Neighbors called police after the family failed to take in their newspaper for over a week.

"We are not sure exactly what happened or how many of them the snake ate. But it looks like they were swallowed whole, tennis shoes and all. We're going to take the snake back to the station and squeeze it to see just how many people pop out", police said. "The snake was easy to catch because it was so full of bodies that it could hardly move. It seemed to be a little sick to its stomach, when we put it into the truck. But after it belched a few times, it looked much better. The snake probably belongs to some neighborhood nut-job who thought "what a nice pet". Nice pets don't normally eat the neighbors".

Dr. Neman Nsimba, veterinarian and expert in exotic African wildlife, was consulted regarding the snake's origin. "This snake is from central Africa. These migratory snakes travel in packs and have been known to eat entire villages. It's illegal to own one in the United States. So how this one got here is a mystery to me", Dr. Nsimba explained.

Police have warned relatives of the missing family to expect the worst. "Unless the family went on vacation without telling anyone and the snake simply swallowed the living room sofa, we are pretty sure our initial theory is the correct one".

Relatives say the family is not prone to impromptu vacations. "They usually brag for six months before they go anywhere. This is not like them at all".

Neighbors think that the family cat may also be missing. "We know when he is around, because he wears a large bell on his collar. We haven't heard it in a while". Officers recalled, "When we moved the snake, we heard a tingling sound that could have very well been a bell. But we won't know for sure until we are done squeezing".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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