Written by Jordan Baugher
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Topics: Robots, Apocalypse, evil

Monday, 17 August 2009

image for New Doomsday Threat: Micro Machines
This malevolent machine is just waiting for a chance to bite your face off.

San Francisco, CA - With nanobots and malevolent artificial intelligence already weighing on their minds, scientists are now warning of a new threat: Micro Machines.

Driven to near-extinction in the late 1990's, a resurgence of the scale-model miniature toys is threatening to 'end all human existence,' according to Blake Rancher, a consultant for the Rand Corporation.

"With the advent of better artificial intelligence and computer chips of ever-decreasing size, it was only a matter of time before someone figured out how to combine these technologies with Micro Machines to create a devastating weapon of mini-destruction."

He elaborated, "Imagine a nearly indestructible miniature-sized Dodge Viper driving down your throat while you sleep, choking you, or a thousand tiny Luke Skywalker figurines swarming you with their adorable little light sabers."

Reed Michaels, Marketing Director for Galoob, the division of Hasbro which produces Micro Machines, made a startling admission, saying, "We've known for some time that the potential was there for Micro Machines to become sentient, possibly even evil, but we were drunk, drunk with our lust for money. The margins were just too good. I mean, ten bucks for something that cost a nickel to produce? It's like we were the RIAA, or an Afghani heroin cartel."

Asked how the company planned to respond to the threat, Michaels said, "We do have a plan, actually. We will produce a set of 'good' Micro Machines to destroy the 'evil' Micro Machines, and we will sell these to the US government at the bargain price of nineteen dollars per unit. Altogether, it should cost slightly less than the recent wars the United States has been involved in."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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