Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 4 December 2009

image for The Gynecologist To The Hollywood Stars Writes A Revealing Tell-All Book
A recent photo of Paris Hilton, who is one of Dr. Nethernick's two most favorite patients.

HOLLYWOOD - One of the best known and most respected gynecologists in Hollywood Dr. Bernard Nethernick, has just written an intimate tell-all book that has lots of Tinseltown's starlets squirming in their bikini thongs.

The book is entitled Love Harbors, Horse Collars, and Hoo Ha's - If You've Seen One You've Seen 'Em All.

The book is quite a tantalizing expose which includes over 130 explicit never-before-seen photographs which were taken by Dr. Nethernick.

The New Orleans-born doctor has been the trusted gynecologist of some of Hollywood's most popular celebrities including Lindsay Lohan, Lisa Marie Presley, Heather Locklear, Paris Hilton, Kirstie Alley, and Cher, who amazingly will turn 90, in May.

Regarding the iconic icon Cher Dr. Nethernick said that she has more tattoos on her body than any female celebrity that he has ever seen and that includes Angelina Jolie and Amy Winehouse.

He said that Cher has some tattoos that she got when she was 20-years-old. He grins and says that he is certain that when she got them they were something like maybe a little flower, a heart, or maybe even a name.

Dr. Nethernick shakes his head and says that now out of the 27 tattoos that Cher has on various parts of her body, he can only tell what one of the tattoos actually is.

Cher has a tattoo of the state of Colorado on the back of her upper right thigh. He said that the state has lots and lots of bumps (i.e. cellulite) but one can still tell that it is Colorado. He laughed and said that now that he thinks about it, the cellulite could certainly pass as the Rocky Mountains.

He stated that as far as the other 26 tattoos go, he has no earthly idea what in the world they are or even what the heck they once were.

He said part of this is due to the 50 or so pound weight gain. He said that sadly most tattoos look like clumps of spider webs, lawn mulch, or chicken scratchings.

Dr. Nethernick said that Lindsay Lohan on the other hand is the direct opposite. She had gotten some tattoos and then unlike Cher, she did not gain weight, she lost it. So now a tattoo of a St. Bernard puppy which is situated on her left breast now looks like a swizzle stick.

In his book, the intimate doctor to the Hollywood stars as Larry King calls him said that Lohan is perhaps the most insecure actress that he has ever seen.

He said that during every monthly visit she would spend the first ten minutes saying things like, "Doctor do you think I'm pretty?" "Doctor am I still sexy?" and "Doctor are you sure that my G-Spot still works properly?"

And the ever-expanding Kirstie Alley who has been seeing Dr. Nethernick for over 20 years all the way back to the time when she could still see her feet without having to use a hand held mirror.

Dr. Nethernick said that 58-year-old Kirstie is just the nicest most sweetest woman you would ever want to meet.

One of her most recent boyfriends Rafe Sutterbranch, 19, told him in confidence that whenever they would go out to a nice restaurant, she would look at the menu items and in the interest of saving time would just simply order one of each.

Another long time acquaintance of Kirstie's hair stylist Ramone of Pomona said that on several occasions, he caught Miss K salting her food with bacon strips. He also said that when she orders food to go she provides the waiter with a Samsonite suitcase.

Lisa Marie Presley, 41, is one of Dr. Nethernick's favorite patients. He says that she never acts conceited, arrogant, or spoiled like some of the others. He adds that she is not at all shy about her body either.

The doctor smiles and says that Lisa Marie like Pamela Anderson has pet names for her two (blanks) and for her (blank) as well.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Lisa Marie's three names; Lefty, Fifi, and Salsita.]

Dr. Nethernick said that one time Presley told him that she had a little sore that he wanted for him to check out. She lifted up her miniskirt, pulled down her panties, and told him it was on the left side of her bikini line.

The doctor said that it embarrassed the heck out of him. He asked her to please schedule an appointment because the Jack-in-The-Box customers were becoming extremely upset at her actions.

Dr. Nethernick said that by far his favorite patient is the notorious 124 pound Paris Hilton. He said that she is such a ham. He noted that even when she is up on the stirrups being intimately examined she is still posing from left leg to right leg and back.

He added that the 28-year-old Paris is also the best tipper by far. After her examination, she usually tips him $60.

When asked who his next favorite celebrity patient is he grins and says that it is Heather Locklear. The doctor says that of all the celebrity patients that he has ever had and the number is in the thousands Heather has the prettiest (blank) of all. He blushes and says that because of that reason he only charges her $2 per visit.

Dr. Bernard Nethernick's book is now available at most book stores and comes with a coupon good for $5 off a woman's next pap smear.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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