Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 6 August 2009

image for America's Got Talent's 75-Year-Old Grandma Lee Advances To The Semi-Finals
Grandma Lee before she switched to contact lenses.

HOLLYWOOD - One of Jacksonville, Florida's oldest residents comedian Grandma Lee has advanced to the semi-finals on America's Got Talent.

AGT host Nick Cannon, who happens to be married to the delicious and nutritiously long-legged Mariah Carey said that 75-year-old Grandma Lee was shaking so bad backstage that her dentures literally popped out of her mouth hitting one of the stagehands on his left ear.

Cannon said that Roberto is resting comfortably at Hollywood's Wheel of Fortune Hospital and he should be released in about six days.

Granny Lee was asked if she was named after the famous Civil War Confederate General Robert E. Lee.

"No." She replied. "I was named after Lee Montepulciano, who was the chief cook on Christopher Columbus' ship The Santa Maria."

Gummy, as two-year-old granddaughter Dixiana Sue, calls her says that she has been doing stand-up for over 55 years. When asked where she had performed she replied all over.

She smiled and said that she had performed in the living room, the kitchen, the den, and in one of her two bathrooms.

She said she loved performing in the bathroom because it was always a standing room only crowd and if someone had to pee, hell you were right there.

Grandma Lee says that she is kind of self-conscious about her thighs. She says that they are just completely covered with cellulite.

She remarked that one day last week she was outside in a pair of Daisy Duke short shorts watering her petunias in front of her trailer when a man in a truck stopped by.

He walked over to her and he told her that he was a representative for The Goodyear Tire Company. She asked if he wanted to sell her some tires. He smiled and replied no that he wanted to hire her so that Goodyear could use her thighs to test out their new tires.

When the Sunshine State grandmother is asked what she looks for in a man, she quickly replies, a pulse. She then adds that with her a man does not have to have material things, stocks and bonds, a fancy car, or money. All she is looking for is a man who still has all of his original body parts, and that they are all still in the right place more or less.

Gummy said she had recently gone out to The Dodge City Cowpoker Steakhouse Restaurant in Jacksonville, with an 87-year-old surgeon who was still practicing medicine.

She said that all throughout their meal he kept asking her if she still had both of her kidneys. She answered yes. He then asked her if she was real fond of both of them. She said she got up, got her walker, and got the hell out of Dodge.

She says that she still loves to cook. Her favorite dishes are hamburger helper, baloney helper, grits helper, cornbread helper, and for desert jello helper.

Grandma Lee loves to make fun of herself. She said that one day last week one of her daughters-in-law Misty took her shopping for a new bra. She said that Misty picked out the Wonder Bra. She told her that it would help pick her puppies up and put them back up close to her neck where they're supposed to be.

Gummy said she looked at the bra and then at her daughter-in-law and said that first of all her puppies had turned into full grown bloodhounds decades ago and furthermore, she said that she had kinda gotten used to the pain of her watermelons resting on her thighs.

When America's Got Talent Judge Piers Morgan asked her what she would do if she were to win the $1 million first prize, Grandma Lee thought for a moment and said that she would buy herself three things. (1) A brand new double-wide trailer. (2) A brand new Kia Sorento and (3) An extreme make-over like the one that her idol Joan Rivers got.

Grandma Lee said, "Can you imagine. If Joan can spend $200,000 and make herself go from looking like a 98-year-old to a 68-year old, then this old Southern gal can spend $300,000 to make herself go from looking like a 75-year-old to a 25-year-old."

Judge Sharon Osbourne laughed and said, "You go for it Mrs!"

SIDENOTE: Grandma Lee is a good sport. She says that with her body she has to be. She says that one thing she has learned is to be sure and not stand to close to the curb on trash day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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