Written by Frankie The J
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Topics: Sexual Assault

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

image for Tree hugger arrested for sex with sapling
The sapling (right foreground) Bunyan assaulted feels "traumatised"

Paul Bunyan claims to love trees;at least that is what he says. Forestry police claim he loves trees too much--to the point he has sexually assaulted a very young tree, a sapling, in fact. Bunyan was arrested for illegally fondling a fir tree Wednesday after foresters photographed the crime in the Great North Woods of Minnesota.

"I'm innocent of forcing myself on that sapling," Bunyan said as he was led away in handcuffs. "Really, the little bastard wanted it just as much as I did," he claimed.

This is not the first time Bunyan has been arrested for a sex crime. In 1999, the lumber jack was charged with bestiality in the assault on Babe, a rare, blue ox. The charges were dropped, however, due to the fact that oxen are unable to testify in court because they are dumb, and have no fingers or thumbs with which to sign.

Bunyan's attorney, Bullwinkle D. Moose, told TheSpoof.com, "When all of the facts are presented in open court, this case will simply go away."

What will not go away, though, is Bunyan's 2002 tree buggery conviction for which he served five years of a twelve year sentence. Bunyan confessed to inserting his penis into a knothole in a birch tree.

The US Attorney told reporters, "We have him on camera, running his hands up and down the underaged tree. Up and down, up and down, up and down. It is sickening!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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