Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Animals, Zoo, San Antonio

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

image for San Antonio Zoo Animals Are Catching Fire
A San Antonio Firefighter putting out the fire that broke out in the zoo's koala house.

SAN ANTONIO - The Texas heat wave continues to wreak havoc on humans and animals alike.

Temperatures in the Alamo City have consistently hovered around the 102 to 109 mark.

San Antonio Zoo Director Frijolita Del Caldo stood outside of the hippopotamus enclosure in a sweat drenched halter top and short shorts and spoke on the sad situation.

She said that she has been the zoo's director for 21 years and she has never seen the weather this hot.

She said that luckily none of the zoo workers have been stricken with heat stroke but she has issued a zoo directive stating that all zoo workers are required to stick at least a dozen ice cubes in their underwear every 45 minutes.

Del Caldo said that this ice cube mandate has helped to keep her employees from going crazy and screaming out obscenities like some did last year during the August heat wave which local weathercasters referred to as The Heat Wave From Freakin' Hell!

When asked how the zoo animals were holding up Del Caldo shook her head and answered not too good. She said that she was getting reports from some of her employees that several of the animals and birds have actually caught fire.

She said that she saw a cell phone photo of a flamingo that had caught fire and who's feathers had been completely been burned off.

Del Caldo also heard about one of the turtles who's shell was actually starting to smoke. One of the employees suggested to her that he could turn the turtle into turtle soup and treat some of the zoo goers to a nice tasty zoo treat.

The employee was told to turn in his zoo name tag, his food bucket, and his zoo whistle and get off of the zoo premises immediately.

The zoo director said that only yesterday one of the monkeys tried to hang himself by using banana peels which he had tied together. Luckily one of the zoo workers found him in time and quickly cut him down.

Del Caldo remarked that the giraffes are licking each others sweat in an effort to quench their thirst and stay cool.

But she states that the saddest of all of the animals is the poor polar bear. She said that "Snowballs" has never been sadder than he is this year. He just sits underneath a mesquite tree with his paw underneath his chin.

Mrs. Del Caldo knows that "Snowballs" is probably thinking about the days when he freely roamed the snowbanks of Alaska. She said that when the zookeepers offer him a fish he refuses it opting for handfuls of ice instead.

The zoo's committee of animal matters is considering temporarily moving "Snowballs" to the Willie Nelson Zoo up in Austin. They figure that the Austin temperature has only reached a high of 101, so at least "Snowballs" should be able to breathe a little better.

Del Caldo was asked about the zoo's penguin population. She smiled and said that sadly last Monday the zoo's entire penguin population of 39 penguins had somehow managed to scale the enclosure walls and escape.

The San Antonio Police Department stated that there was a report of a huge group of penguins sited waddling north on Loop 410 at a high rate of speed and heading towards The Ex-Mayor Henry Cisneros Airport.

Meanwhile the zoo has had to close down the duck area because the zoo's duck pond has completely dried up and the zoo's 93 ducks are upset, angry, and pissed off as hell.

It was reported in The San Antonio Daily Gazette that several of the ducks actually attacked some of the younger zoo goers literally ripping their soda cans and water bottles from their tiny little hands.

One of the older ducks, "Patito" actually bit an elderly zoo visitor in a wheel chair knocking the 99-year-old woman to the ground. "Patito" then took off in the wheel chair at a high rate of speed heading for the nearest ice house.

Zoo security guard Addison Kranitz gave chase on his security golf cart and was able to apprehend the wayward duck by the lion cage.

In his effort to place the duck in handcuffs Kranitz was bitten about the face and neck. He finally tasered the duck and in a fit of rage picked up the 'quacker' and tossed it into the lion cage.

The actions of the lions were not pretty. Dozens of first-graders could be heard screaming as far away as six blocks. Kranitz has since been placed on administrative leave with pay.

In Addison Kranitz' defense he has sent letters of apology to PETA, The American Duck Institute, The Quacking Coalition of North America, and Walt Disney Studios.

SIDENOTE: Zoo Director Frijolita Del Caldo has said that since the zoo's natural fish pond has completely dried up that some of the zoo's fish including two of the bigger goldfish have actually been forced to learn how to walk.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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