Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 18 July 2009

image for The Real Reason Richard Jefferson Said "No Way."
Kesha Ni'Cole Nichols, the 'not-quite' bride of San Antonio Spur Richard Jefferson at The Sing Song Karaoke Bar i

SAN ANTONIO - The newest San Antonio Spur Richard Jefferson met with San Antonio's Channel 14 sportscaster Fulano Del Sombrero and talked about his $2 million 'non-wedding.'

Right off the Louisville slugger bat, Richard said that he wanted to apologize to his family; his friends; his new teammates; his old teammates; his ex-New Jersey Nets dancer, 'not quite' bride Kesha Ni'Cole Nichols; and most of all to President Obama.

He said that even though he loves Kesha as much as he loves making 3-pointers, he said that he does not like her and he has to do what his heart tells him to do.

Jefferson, as his aunt Fawntreba Jo Oystercatcher calls him, said that he and Kenini, his nickname for Kesha, visited San Antonio two weeks ago.

Richard said that when they landed at San Antonio's Ex-Mayor Henry Cisneros Airport, the temperature was 107 in the shade. Rich asked the limo driver what the heat index was and when he replied, 113, Kenini immediately fainted.

Luckily Richard was able to catch her before she hit her head on the champagne bottle. When she came to she was crying. Rich told her that it wasn't that bad and it certainly was not any reason for her to be crying.

She told him that the reason that she was crying was because it was hotter than hell and also because he had his size 15 shoe sitting on the last three toes of her left foot.

As he took his foot off of her foot he noticed that Kenini was sweating so bad that her right eyelash had come completely off and was now resting on her right chumbawumba (maraca).

He picked it up carefully and handed it to her. She got it and threw it at him. It missed him, but it hit the limo driver, DeVandis DeQuail Axeltree in the back of the neck.

Axeltree turned around and said that he did not appreciate her hitting him with her left eyelash.

"It's the right one bro." She said sarcastically.

Richard told her to settle down and to not be disrespecting the man.

"Disrespecting the man?" She yelled.

"How about lookin' outs for me...after all I am going to be Mrs. Richard Jefferson in two weeks, one day, four hours, and 17 minutes."

"Damn woman, you sure are good at cyphering."

"The word is mathematics Junior."

Jefferson exploded and he told the driver to turn around and head on back to the airport.

Kenini asked what he was doing. And Rich replied that they were going to fly back to New York City and that he had decided to call the wedding off.

She yelled at him that he couldn't call it off because she had already mailed out all the invitations, she had already bought the rice, and that she had 837 relatives flying in from California, Nevada, Britain, Florida, and Rhode Island.

He told her that he didn't care if she had 3,000 relatives flying in from Zimbabwe, Botswana, and Kenya.

She angrily asked, "Are you saying that my relatives are African?"

"Well duh?"

"Well duh back to you Junior."

"Look you little dancing bitch, stop calling me Junior."

"Junior! Junior! Junior! Junior! Junior!"

"That's it! The wedding is off for damn sure now! There's no way in Hell, Michigan that I'm gonna marry no crazy-ass, basket case black Amy Winehouse."

"Your mama!"

"Your grandmama!"

"Your mama, your grandmama, and your screwed up wino uncle Muscatel!"

"Well your mama, your grandpop, your first cousin twice removed Gizmo, and your lazy-ass lottery-addicted aunt Tuleta!"

"Hey!" The limo driver yelled. Give me a break here peeps. Dammit it's rush hour, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, and I needs to concentrate on my driving. I swear you two Ni****s have given me one hell of an Excedrin headache."

Richard told Channel 14's Del Sombrero that the two stopped arguing and they flew back to New York City without saying a word. Kenini figured that the wedding would still go on as planned, but Rich had other ideas.

He also told Del Sombrero that when they landed in New York City she turned to him and said that when they get married she is not going to move to Texas, because she will not be able to take the San Antonio Heat.

"It's the San Antonio Spurs, the Heat play in Miami."

"Whatever, but I'm tellin' ya, there just ain't no way that my cute, sweet, delicate little black ass can survive in the microwave-like weather of San Antonio."

She told him that in just the one hour that they had spent down there that she had beads of sweat form on places on her body that had never seen sweat in her entire life.

SIDENOTE: Richard, of course, cancelled the wedding two hours before the event was to have taken place. He said that he's glad that it did not work out and added that Spurs teammate Tony Parker's wife, Eva Longoria-Parker said that she would fix him up with her Desperate Housewives co-star Nicolette Sheridan.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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