Written by Patti Beckert
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Topics: bernard madoff

Friday, 17 July 2009

image for Madoff Imprisoned in Mayberry

It was announced today that Bernard Madoff, recently convicted of running the largest Ponzi Scheme in history, has finally found a prison home for the rest of his natural life, Mayberry, NC. As crazy as it sounds, Madoff's attorney had put in a request that Madoff's sentence be carried out at Otisville, NY, in order for him to be close to his family. Unfortunately, whoever received that request read it completely wrong and thought that Madoff was requesting to be imprisoned in the same cell where the infamous "Otis" of Mayberry RFD fame spent most of his weekends on "The Andy Griffith Show." It is assumed that Madoff was hoping that, true to form, Barney would leave the keys unattended, making it easy for him to escape.

Upon hearing the news, Barney Fife declared, "There ain't no one ever escaped from this here jail cell, and I'll be darned if some high falootin' city slicker is gonna be the first, ain't that right Ange?" Andy agreed, "Youbetcha Barn." 'Bout that time, Opie came running in the jail yelling "Paw, Paw, is it true, is it true? Andy answered him, "is it true, what Opie?" "Is it true this new pris'ner is a sinnin' against the Lord?" "Why Ope," said Andy, "what ever do you mean?" "Well, Paw, I heard that he's been convicted of a white collar crime, and the only folks I know that's got white collars are the preachers down at the Church." "Aw, Opie, this here's another kinda crime." Andy then sent Opie to fetch Aunt Bea to have her make some supper for their new prisoner.

Aunt Bea arrived at the Sheriff's office, wringing her hands and looking a might unsettled. "Why Aint Bea," Andy is quoted as saying, "you look like you're just about to lose the blue ribbon for your sweet 'n sour pickles to Clara down at the annul County Fair." "Oh Andy," Aunt Bea told him, "I just found out about your new prisoner and I'm just beside myself." "Well, why, Aint Bea? He's just like all th' other pris'ners we've had in here, ain't he?" "Ohhh no, Andy, he's not, he's just not at all like the other prisoners," she told him, visibly upset. "He's Jewish." Andy was notably surprised at this, coming from Mayberry's most tolerant citizen. "Aint Bea, I do declare, you ain't never been against no one in particular before," Andy said, looking scornful at her. "Ohhh, no, Andy," she replied. "I don't care about his religion…I'm just concerned because I'm not sure about one thing…Andy…is fried chicken kosher?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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