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Wednesday, 15 July 2009

image for Porn Prince Knocks One Out of the Park
Authorities believe Mitchell would have preferred to have been cuffed with these when arrested.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - It only took James Mitchell about three seconds to get to third base with his daughter's mother Danielle Keller, and another three minutes to score; it also took him about three minutes to beat her to death with a baseball bat, said police.

Mitchell owns the O'Farrelly Theatre in San Francisco as a beneficiary of the infamous Mitchell Brothers partnership that produced pornographic movies from '69 to '72, featuring big league names like Marilyn Chambers; he reportedly liked to practice his swing in the theatre when not showing movies.

Though the shutout occurred on Mitchell and Keller's daughter's first birthday, most who know Mitchell believe the bludgeoning was a gift to himself.

It occurred on the second anniversary of the death of Jim Mitchell, who was suspended from play for three years for shooting his brother Artie.

Superstitious sports trivia buffs noted that this day next year will be the first anniversary of Danielle Keller's death, her and James Mitchell's daughter's second birthday, and the third anniversary of Jim Mitchell's death, noting Artie and Jim's three productive seasons and the three-season suspension of Jim.

This puts pressure on the family to produce another big hitter during the coming off season, but the recurrence of the number three in association with the family indicates it may already be in the cards.

They also noted that, as a murderer, Mitchell was successful his very first time at the plate; so far, he's "batting a thousand."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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