Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 14 July 2009

image for Cowboy Tony Romo Dumps His Cowgirl Jessica Simpson
A photo of Jessica Simpson that was taken about two hours before Tony Romo dumped her.

DALLAS - Well it looks like football season is right around the corner. And evidence of that is the fact that Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has dumped his girlfriend Jessica Simpson (Ashlee's sister).

And the interesting part is that "Touchdown" Tony broke up with Simpson the day before her big 29th birthday party. Jessica had planned an elaborate "Barbie and Ken" shindig.

Tony reportedly told one of his best friends Enrique Enriques that in private Jess was always telling him that she was Barbie and he was Ken and that they would live in a Barbie and Ken playhouse.

Tony said that he would tell her that they were not Barbie and Ken that they were more like Bubba and Candy and that they would live in a ranch house with cows running around in the front yard, horses galloping in the backyard, and empty Lone Star Beer bottles out by the corral.

Tony said that he hated the Hollywood life with its conceited celluloid countesses, its pompous panoramic princesses, and its beautiful beguiling bitches.

Yes, it was really no secret around Big D that the die-hard, blue dyed-in-the-wool Cowboy fans never took to Hollywood Jess.

Many fans referred to Simpson in various derogatory ways. Some of the more common names she was called were the 'Dishwater Blonde Jinx,' the 'Tinsel Town Witch,' and the 'California Curse Creature.'

And Jessica even caused a riff between her honey (Tony) and his ex-receiver Terrell Owens. Owens reportedly, after a Cowboy loss, blamed the loss on 'Evil Spell Simpson.'

Tony told T.O. that he was full of stallion sh*t. T.O. replied that he was tired of Tony throwing interceptions, which T.O. said were not really Tony's fault, but the fault of the 'Hollywood Hex and Hoodoo Woman.'

Even Cowboy owner Jerry Jones once referred to Simpson as that long-legged hocus pocus, mumbo jumbo, lousy-luck bringin' beeach.

Jones recalled how last year as a Christmas gift, he gave each Cowboy player's wife and or girlfriend a pair of specially-made Cowboy blue bikini thong panties with the Cowboy star embroidered on the front.

He personally told each wife and or girlfriend that he wanted for them to wear them at each Cowboy home game to show the three fundamental S's spirit, support, and solidarity.

And Jones knows for a fact that each and every wife and or girlfriend proudly wore them, with the one exception of Jessica Simpson.

Jones found out from an unnamed source with the initials T.R., that during the last three Cowboy home games Jessica did not wear the Christmas Cowboy panties, but instead wore panties that she had purchased at Victoria's Secret.

Jessica was asked by Perez Hilton at L.A.'s Texas T-Bone Bar & Grill where she was having dinner how she felt being dumped by her boyfriend, and especially on the day before her birthday.

She dabbed at her tears, put her fork down and replied that the best way she could put it was that it felt like she had just had her tonsils removed...by way of her ass.

Perez got all embarrassed and he started coughing and turning purple, which by the way is his favorite color.

Jessica asked him if he was okay and he replied,
"Ahhhgggahhhgaga."

She then asked him if he needed CPR. He grabbed a pencil and a yellow post-it note and he wrote down that he definitely needed CPR, but not from her.

"What?" Jessica yelled out.

And Perez pointed toward a tall, dark, and handsome actor who was standing by the Karaoke machine. Jessica slapped Perez and she gave him CPR.

Later that evening Jessica was asked if she thought that maybe there was a chance that her and Tony could possibly get back together someday.

Simpson looked down at her dinner roll. She took her table napkin and dabbed three tears off of the roll. She composed herself and replied that Tony had told her not to even bother calling him until after the football season was over.

Jess paused for a moment, flipped her blonde mane back, and said with pride that Tony will never ever find another girl like her.

When Tony was told what Jessica had said, he replied, "What? Hey I just dumped her ass, why in the world would I want to find another girl like her?"

SIDENOTE: In Jessica's defense, Tony did tell Cowboy onwer Jerry Jones that the one thing that he will surely miss about Jess will be the cute little way that her nipples would perk up like #2 pencil erasers whenever he would touch them with a Popsicle.

Make Abel Rodriguez's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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