Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 13 July 2009

image for President Obama To Throw Out First Pitch At All-Star Game
President Obama's Chief Secret Service Agent Laramie Cobalt taking batting practice at St. Louis' Busch Stadium.

ST. LOUIS - Fox Sports Executive Assistant Vice President of Television Promotions Flint Viturvius has stated that President Barack Obama has accepted his offer to throw out the first ceremonial pitch at this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game.

The last time that an American leader threw out a first pitch was in 1976, when President Gerald Ford threw the ball to catcher Manolo Tortagrande.

Ford threw a horribly pitiful wild pitch which sailed up into the second row of the stands injuring 98-year-old Quincy Questweather in his digitalicticus mamagastrovictivola (left ring finger).

After that incident, the commissioner of Major League Baseball Buddy Celery banned all presidents, and actually all politicians (i.e. governors, senators, and mayors) as well from throwing out 'first balls.'

Also on hand for the all-star game will be four former presidents George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter. Celery said that none of the four will be allowed to even touch a baseball for fear that they may throw it and hurt someone.

President Obama is scheduled to talk to Fox Sports announcers Joe Buck and Tim McCarver between the 3rd, 5th, and 7th innings.

It is believed that the president will talk a little bit about his recent visit to Ghana and the unusually high burned breakfast toast level in toddlers.

Obama will also discuss the new line of Ghanaian women's swimsuits which amazingly enough are made entirely out of steam-dried bamboo shoots, python nose hair, and zebra balls.

The president will also touch briefly on his visit to Uganda and his role in the banning of female circumcision and illegal baboon breeding. He will also provide an update on the continuing fight against the ever-growing problem of jungle graffiti.

Time permitting he will also give us an official presidential progress report regarding the ongoing fight against the dreaded vine flu.

Cooper asked Commissioner Celery how Mr. Questweather was doing. He replied that Questweather, unfortunately did not have medical insurance and Major League Baseball had to end up picking up the entire hospital stay tab which amounted to $43,219.72.

Mr. Questweather did however agree to drop the lawsuit after Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and Roger Clemens paid him a late-night hospital visit.

One of the nurses, that was on duty at the time, reported hearing some loud screaming and moaning coming out of Questweather's room and she distinctly heard Mr. Q. yelling out, "Put me down you big friggin' galoots. You've convinced me. I'll drop the damn lawsuit. Now give me back my freakin' boxer shorts, my Sarah Palin hand puppet, and my hula hoop."

In a related story. The "First Mama" Michelle Obama has agreed to let the "First Kiddoes" Malia and Sasha be the official all-star game bat boys, or actually bat girls.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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