Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 1 July 2009

image for "Kentucky" Kevin Skinner - America's Got Talent's Early Favorite
Two of Kevin Skinner's ranch hands commenting on the biggest dad burn cornstalk that either one of them has ever seen.

LOS ANGELES - Kentucky 'good old boy' Kevin Skinner shuffled onto the America's Got Talent stage, started singing a Garth Brooks song, and he blew the audience and the judges away.

David Hasselhoff's mouth fell open. Piers Morgan's eyes opened wide, and Sharon Osbourne's knees automatically opened up.

The 35-year-old country boy from Mayfield, Kentucky surprised the heck out of everyone, including AGT's host Nick Cannon aka Mariah Carey's husband.

After he finished singing and returned backstage, Cannon asked him how he felt. Skinner smiling from ear to ear replied that he felt as happy as a coyote at a rabbit's birthday party.

Skinner was dressed in farm working jeans, cowboy boots, and a John Deere T-shirt with the wording "Tractor drivers can sure as hell plow up some bottom land."

When the show's host asked Skinner if he had ever taken any singing lessons he quickly replied that he had never in his life stolen anything.

Nick told him that he meant if he had ever taken any singing lessons. Skinner laughed and said, "Shucks man, I thought you was messing with me 'bout stealin' stuff."

Skinner went on and said that he just developed his singing voice by singing to plain, old, common, everyday farm animals like cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and a Gaboon viper.

"A Gaboon viper!?" Cannon asked.

"Yeah, we keeps the Gaboony around to gobble up all of the wayward sumbitch rats that helps themselves to the farm animal vittles."

Cannon asked Skinner if he had a girlfriend. He replied that he did, and that her name was Wanda Sue.

"Is Wanda Sue a pretty girl?"

"Oh yeah, my Wandy is plum pretty, but she is a might on the feisty side."

"Feisty."

"Yeah, I'm afraid I'd have to say that Wandy is about as feisty as a couple of young humpin' woodpeckers."

"Wow. And what would you say is Wanda Sue's best feature?"

"Oh that's an easy one. Her teeth."

"Really? Her teeth?"

"Yes sir, I'm proud to say that my Wandy Sue still has just about most of her teeth. But to me she's as pretty as that moanin' Lisa gal."

"You mean the Mona Lisa?"

"Yeah, you know I always wondered why they said she was moanin'. I mean how the hell can anyone tell? After all it's just a picture."

English judge Piers Morgan remarked that "Kentucky Kevin" Skinner could very well go all the way.

Cannon asked Skinner what he would do if he won the $1 million. Skinner paused for a moment and then answered that first he would fix the flats on his trailer house.

Then he would buy a new breeding bull because the one that he has is so old that he don't wanna do you-know-what to the cows anymore.

Skinner said that he will also buy Wanda Sue her very own underwear, so she doesn't have to borrow her brother Bucky's underwear anymore.

He stated that he'll also get a second horse, which he has wanted ever since his first one, "Cornbread" got attacked by a deranged Rhode Island Red Chicken last Christmas Eve causing him to loose his left nostril, his right eyebrow, and part of his rear left hoof.

Cannon told Skinner that he sure had it all figured out. Skinner replied that he has always been frugal. He then said that he would buy his sister, Sippy Lou some of them store-bought pantiliners so that she will never again have to fold up and use the Mayfield Midday Gazette classified section.

Skinner smiled that countryfied good old boy smile and then said, "And if I have any money left after all of that I might just go into town and get me a pair of brand new Wrangler britches and get me a new cowboy hat to replace my old one which is covered with cow hoof marks.

Kevin then told Cannon that he sure had enjoyed sittin' a spell and shootin' the shit with him, but he had to excuse himself because he had to hurry to catch the Greyhound bus back to Mayfield.

He said that he had to get up at 4 a.m. to wake up the rooster and then he had about 12 acres of sorghum seed to plant.

In other news. Universal Pictures said that they will start filming the remake of the remake of the western 3:10 To Yuma. The two leading roles will be played by Sam Elliot and Russell Brand.

Make Abel Rodriguez's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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