Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: David Letterman

Monday, 15 June 2009

image for David Letterman Arrested!
David Letterman shown just before seven New York City police officers arrested him (photo courtesy of Conan O'Brien)

NEW YORK CITY - Talk show host David Letterman has been arrested. His manager Chang Lee Zeegerpool confirmed that Letterman was taken into custody by seven NYPD police officers from Precint 70042 in Staten Island.

The arresting officer Bernardo Vivaldi, Jr., stated that Letterman was arrested without incident on a warrant issued by the Wasilla, Alaska police department.

The warrant states that one David Letterman aka "Howdy Doody Dave," aka "Cabbage Patch Dave," aka "Alfred E. Neuman" is wanted on suspicion of lewd and lascivious co-mingling with a non-domesticated underage caribou.

Letterman's attorney Hacienda Kaprinsky told CNN's Wolf Blitzer that it is all a mistake as her client has never even been to Alaska much less molested one of its wild animals.

The warrant goes on to state that there are at least 137 photographs that clearly show one David Letterman in various stages of perversion with unsuspecting, uncooperative, and uninterested game such as reindeer, elk, and a three-legged polar bear.

Mrs. Kaprinsky is claiming that Mr. Letterman is being set up because just by looking at the photos one can clearly see that the man in the snapshots is not her client David Letterman.

Kaprinsky remarked that if you look real close the individal in the photos has bright red hair and actually looks a lot more like Conan O'Brien than he does David Letterman.

When Governor Sarah Palin was informed of Letterman's arrest she expressed great relief and wished to convey her and her family's appreciation to the members of New York City's finest.

She thanked the Big Apple fellas in blue for their assistance in the apprehension of this wanted individual whom thousands of people with 14-year-old daughters in Alaska consider to be public enemy number one.

Palin went on to say that as soon as Mr. Letterman is extradited to Alaska he will be placed in a cell with other habitual big game fanciers.

She stated that the ex-big time talk show host will then recieve a fast, fair, and free trial after which he will be incarcerated in The Chickaloon Bay State Prison for a period not to exceed 18 years.

The state of Alaska is invoking the 1968 Alaska State Statute Amendment Number 10048, which states that the offending individual will not be eligible for parole, no matter how many fancy New York City attorneys he or she may care to hire.

Letterman was asked to comment on the recent turn of event and he reportedly said, "I am innocent. Heck I didn't even get involved in a low-speed chase or anything. I really want to see my little music buddy Paul."

A sad and subdued Letterman then said that he missed the Statue of Liberty, he missed Regis Philbin, and he missed Central Park. But he remarked that he did not miss Yankee Stadium for obvious reasons.

The ex-talk show host was asked how he was holding up. He replied that he was okay except for the fact that he seems to pee in his pants uncontrolably two or seven times a day.

He did say that he has hired the services of famed defense attorney Hacienda Kaprinsky who is considered to be the best female attorney in New England.

Kaprinsky was recommended to him by his next door neighbor Salvatore Goombalini, head of the infamous New York City Goombalini family.

Letterman said that Goombalini told him that he will be closely monitoring how things go for him up in Alaska. He said that if things don't go the way "The Pizzaman" (Goombalini's nickname) wants them to go, he will jump on the next flight to Alaska and see if he can't do some 'friendly persuasion 101.'

Goombalini is an excellent persuasive speaker who once convinced a New York City Zoo director to sell him an elephant, a rhino, a hippo, and 27 monkeys for $9.

Sal The Pal has also been known to make boxers fall down, to make pitchers throw wild pitches, and to have football running backs fumble balls.

Goombalini who says that he likes Letterman 3.5 times better than he likes Mr. Potato Head (Jay Leno) was told that there are a total of eight charges on Letterman which include:

  • Four-Legged Transgression
  • Animalistic Abnormality
  • Beast Debauchery
  • Livestock Licentiousness
  • Critter Kinkiness
  • Varmint Deviation
  • Creature Decadence
  • Caribou Knavery


Sal Goombalini just grinned as he heard the trumped up charges. He then said that he is totally confident that Hacienda Kaprinsky, will get an acquittal.

But, he added that in the event that she doesn't then he is prepared to hire the New Jersey law firm of Fornasari, Caprese, Toscano, Mascarpone, and Jones who charge $25,000 an hour but who are so good that they can convince a jury that a zebra is really a dolphin with black and white stripes painted on its body.

In other news. The African country of Mozambique, short on nuts, is in the process of formulating plans to invade Brazil.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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