Narberth, PA-- Michelle Critter, 98, called the 911 emergency line 20 times yesterday. The elderly spinster was very upset about some sparrows that were having carnal relations in her front yard. She wanted the police to stop them. The police finally arrived after the 20th call, and she was arrested for making nuisance calls.
Miss Critter was still livid when she spoke to the press after being released.
"I just can't believe the police never came." she said. "I thought you could always make a cop come if you dialed 911." she naively said.
"Don't the police have little handcuffs they can put on sparrows?? I was hoping the police might shoot them, also." she continued.
Miss Critter noted for the press that she is still a virgin, and proud of it.
"I could of had lots of gentleman callers, but sexual relations are so dirty. I just couldn't do it. I want to give my virginity to Christ when I die." she proclaimed.
"I just couldn't stand to see birds acting like that." she blushed. "What would The Lord say." she asked rhetorically.
Miss Critter also informed the press that she wasn't too ashamed at being arrested. She did 50 years in prison for the ax murder of her parents, many years ago.